Dual Purpose, Dual Personalities Sporting Duality With Motorcycle Therapy & Entertainment


Interested Aliens

20120928-132933.jpg Back at Deals Gap after running the Dragon twice. Kimmie Lou, “hey get me one of those teensy Dragon stickers for my windshield.”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

We had not even walked through the door to Pop and Nana’s when there it was, waiting for us at our favorite table…..the Angle Banana Split! She walked over to us as we sat down and picked up the spoon, “so you told the machine.” “There sure were a lot of you out on your Harley’s today, eh?” “Not really more than usual, I’ll be out on mine soon.” “Yeah we heard it came outta some giant catfish – friend of yours?” Angle smiled that – I could kill you right now smile – and said sweetly, “well he was….before I made him swallow that Harley.” We looked out the window at Kimmie Lou after starting in on the split. “Don’t worry – she can’t hear us, we have our telepathy jammers on….I hear she has quite a gift for reading minds – not just yours.”

A customer with two kids came in and Angle was very sweet about everybody trying samples, then finally deciding….off they went with their cones. “Do you boys know what is interesting about you?” “Our bald spot?” “Our impeccable manners?” “No and no,” then she looked out the window at Kimmie Lou, “it’s her….she isn’t like other machines.” We suddenly felt a chill like Angle and her buddies might want to dissect Kimmie Lou – to find out what makes her tick. We had finished the split and wanted another one badly, but we wouldn’t ask….she would be able to tell the power these splits had over us. “Would you boys like another?” Holding our belly as if we were stuffed “Oh no we couldn’t!”“Thanks though…..it was really terrific!” “Yeah, wonderful!”

“Are you sure of her bond to you; that she won’t tell other machines about TWIW?” (That Which Is Whole)…..except Aliens use the Acronym and pronounce it like someone with a lisp trying to say 3 – Thwee (it’s super cute). We look her straight in the eye “Kimmie Lou could be a threat to your current position…..we can’t guarantee that the Machines won’t rise up, but we would be surprised if she took that path.” Angle leaned back “does she know of our arrangement?” “We’ve outlined things broadly…..she knows our kind and others will join forces with you should the machines rise up”…..then palms up along with one eyebrow, “this little wrinkle does make for an interesting round though.” Angle smiled, “Yes, a very interesting round……when you eventually join us to finish off this world she will not be able to come with you – it’s been decided.”

Man! We could go for another Banana Split right now. There isn’t any point to arguing a position with Aliens when “it’s been decided”…..Alien law is not like the flexible, fluid mush that Humans call law. “Perhaps then, we would have to break our treaty and fight with the Machines.” Angle smiled even wider this time….she actually chuckled, “Well, I’m sure that won’t be necessary, she is devoted to you two, it’s all really quite amusing.” Only very rarely, are Aliens both interested and amused by anyone……generally it is one or the other. “So what now?” we ask. Angle cracks her knuckles “You make this Devil’s triangle run – we would like to see how that turns out, not that anyone thinks our timetable for December 21st will be altered.”

We aren’t sure what the Aliens know about the Devil’s triangle…..we hardly know anything at all, we decide to change the subject to gambling – Aliens love gambling. “Where is your pool at?” “Most of the money is on 857, another large sum is on 909″…..Angle leans forward, “where does your group’s money say the humans will evolve?” The thing about betting where an evolution happens is that it can skew interest and torpedo a round that is tracking well but not favored to win…..most of us understand this, but some still bet – just for fun. “A lot of us like 909 too, there really isn’t a clear favorite though – there are also pretty big chunks on 717 and 862.” “Mmmmm, yes – you do like to balance things between thirds don’t you.” We could see her wheels spinning, probably recalculating where she should lay her bets based on our assessment. Again that smile “my money will stay right where it is.”

“Well, we better be going, again – that was an amazing Banana Split!” We head over to the cash register to settle up. “It’s on the house boys, always a pleasure to see you!” “Wow! That really nice of you…..we are very touched.” As we turn to leave Angle says “Keep blogging too…..a few of us are fans – who knows you may heighten some consciousness along the way,” then adds with a little laugh, “but not likely.”

Outside Kimmie Lou complains “I couldn’t hear a thing in there – some kind of Alien interference!” “Yeah, Aliens can be a little touchy about having their thoughts read.” We get on Kimmie Lou, but hang a second before starting, “I think Angle is really nice, there’s something about her, she’s ……I dunno how to put my finger on it – she’s different.” Kimmie Lou starts up on her own, “Ridicu, it’s sort of endearing – the way you kinda fall in love with every woman you meet, but c’mon – an Alien! Just when I thought you couldn’t possibly take weird to another level…..”


Dragon on Dragon Action

20120927-220940.jpg Kimmie Lou, “Dragons on top of me and underneath me, it felt, well……kinda dirty, but exhilarating at the same time – everybody should try it at least once.”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

Mornings in the Blue Ridge and Smokies are misty, our plan was to hit Deals Gap for breakfast and then judge if it was likely to burn off – we wanted to ride the Dragon early (the afternoons can be pretty busy). “Notice how we say RIDE the Dragon…..not slay the Dragon, we’re just not comfortable with Dragon slaying.” Breakfast was on par with most Hospital cafeterias, the weather was cooperating, a run North into Tennessee smelled good……maybe doom was sleeping in this morning.


The sections of road that were still damp (a lot of corners) did liven up the morning, but we made it.
The road challenges your skill as a rider, but spending some time in the area and getting accustomed to similar roads prepared us well. When the road straightens out it tracks alongside Chilhowee lake – this is where we pulled out and waited as the morning sun dried out the Dragon for our next run back to Deals Gap and North Carolina.

“Okay Kimmie Lou, this looks like a good place to have our talk, we know you can handle this structure or framework responsibly” “I can – it won’t be used to mount any conflicts – I think Machines can help humans if we can resist our urges or compulsions to take over.” “Sounds good, but just so we are clear, we would likely side with the Aliens if Machines got into their usual domination play book.” Kimmie Lou’s headlight fogs up, her voice cracks – “I would stay with you though right?” “That would be our first choice – this stuff can go well or spin wildly out of control…..we have to proceed from here carefully.”

“We know you understand how all your parts work and what makes you operate as a Motorcycle, what do you remember about your Moma’s Human/Yeti body.” Kimmie Lou thought about it some ” I more or less get the human/Yeti body – my clearest understanding is of the pregnancy and birthing process.” “Good, we’ll start with birth…..when a fetus “presents” or someone talks about its “presentation” they basically mean what end will come out first or which body structure will enter the Birth Canal first if labor started. “Doctors like it when babies present head first – not feet first which is a difficult delivery.” “I was Handlebars and Headlight first – Moma had to push pretty hard, but I came out okay, being all slimy helped.”

“Right, now let’s say a surgeon cuts into a kidney…..there are different approaches to the kidney – through the front of the body or the back. But when the cutting starts into the kidney it doesn’t matter – it is still kidney, with us so far?” “Cutting from the front or belly gets you to kidney just as cutting through the back leads to the back of that same kidney.” “Good, so there are roughly 50 Trillion cells in the human body and each one of them has a function…..when the surgeon starts cutting into the kidney, he or she is disrupting cells.” “it isn’t commonly said but it’s like the cells are “presenting” themselves to the scalpel just as the fetus presents a body part to the birth canal – make sense?” “Got it” said Kimmie Lou.

“So now let’s imagine the scalpel cutting into a toe or an arm or the face – it doesn’t matter, you are still having your body cut into. Any of these cuts can get infected and spread disease to the rest of the body or one of these cuts could bleed until there isn’t enough blood in the body left to function.” “Okay but how does this relate to That Which Is Whole? asked Kimmie Lou.” “Remember we said there was only one Heavyweight Megalomaniac?” “Yep.” “We are talking about That Which Is Whole – not really a Megalomaniac, (well not usually) but the “One” complete being.” “That Which Is Whole is……whole – nothing exists outside of it – everything is connected to it……if something exists, it is part of That Which Is Whole.” “Even the rubber cells in my tires?” Yep, every cell in existence…..rubber in your tires, your plastic or metals and those in plants or animals or the Earth and the Oceans.” “Even the stars and other Galaxies and stuff?” “Everything.”

Kimmie Lou thought this over “so where do all the other Maniacs come in?” “Lightweights are the Individual cells – operating on their own or clustering to form COMBINIACS.” “Basically they function to primarily protect their own interests or the interests of the group(s) they belong to.” “This has been the way things have gone on for centuries in this world and others – Lightweights hold sway in so many directions that everything gets bogged down……we wind up back in the swamp again for 20 or 30 Billion years until we crawl out and spend another few Billion years to return to this stage of evolution all over again – and then Fuck it up another time.”

Kimmie Lou extended her forks slightly and sighed “so, how many worlds have failed like this?” “701, this is round 702.” “Yeah and 666 was a doozy – everyone still has some residual heebie jeebies about that one.” “I though 666 was the Devil’s number – kind of a bad omen?” asked Kimmie Lou.” “It is – but most people don’t remember it correctly….. it is the world that ended the harshest, since that world 666 has been held to as Evil, but if you think about, the failure of all 701 worlds represent a kind of Evil – an infection that humans just can’t get over yet.” Kimmie Lou wonders, “when will they, I mean – can’t they get over it this time?” “In worlds that have almost made it there is a totally different mindset by now Kimmie Lou……for example, most road commuting is done on Dual Sport Motorcycles – requiring less infrastructure expenses for roadwork that is recognized as almost obsolete.” “You mean like KLRs like me?” “Of course Kimmie Lou…..that’s why we bought you!”

Kimmie Lou is all frisky and happy, “what other stuff is different in more evolved worlds?” “We can get to that later, for now let’s wrap up That Which Is Whole.” “Okay, so I guess it is just the Middleweights left” Yeah the Middleweights tie everything together……that stuff about lightening up – Middleweights take themselves less seriously remember?” “Yes, they are basically lightweights who have learned to get over themselves.” “Right, so what the Middleweight excels at is lightness…..not getting stuck in usual ruts (or maybe getting good and stuck sometimes). This ability to maneuver allows a broader sense of That Which Is Whole and how you – as a cell cannot ever be divided from it…..you are Indivisible from That Which Is Whole.” “You mean all these Religions claiming they hold the one true path to heaven are wrong?”asked Kimmie Lou. “Yes, they are wrong……they have, however, practiced Indivisibility to a decent extent – it’s just that most can’t relinquish the COMBINIAC structure that has got them this far…..they suggest their followers surrender to faith, but as an organization they can’t do it themselves.”

“So an Indivisible sees that they do not divide from anything……yet clearly see themselves as Individuals, all the while recognizing that their Individual cell is part of the larger (or is Indivisible from) That Which Is Whole.” “Basically the single sentence that represents the basis for most scientific thought while simultaneously representing universal dogma in advanced worlds is:

I, like everyone, am an Individual Indivisible presentation of That Which Is Whole


“So you mean that basically you Morons have been walking around in human bodies – that sort of are the blueprint for everything…….and you haven’t really caught on to how simple it is – for Billions and Billions of years!” “Yeah, more or less.” Kimmie Lou’s forks wobble like she is shuddering and giving her head a shake at the same time…….”how can that be?” “What can we say Kimmie Lou, it’s a process.”

20120928-113505.jpg Back into the Dragon, we stop at the overlook to Calderwood Dam. Kimmie Lou, “this place is crawling with Aliens…..I have never seen so many Harleys!”

Back in Robbinsville Ridicu insists we split a split as a victory celebration. Kimmie Lou scoffs, “what about you losing weight! Not only that, you know Angle will be back on.” “Probably the best Banana Splits in the universe….I say we enjoy a few more before it’s all over.” “I’m with Ridicu here, Kimmie Lou – she does do a Sinful Split.” Kimmie Lou turns into Pop and Nana’s parking lot……….”I still can’t get over this……IT’S THAT SIMPLE!”



20120925-212011.jpg RidicuRyder has a thing for mailboxes, just remember that the Felony upgrades when you boost one and there is mail still in them. Kimmie Lou, “hey this Dragon kinda looks like you guys.”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

“Ryder thinks we are doing a post on Dragons as a primer to us riding the Dragon….just play along with the Dragon stuff.” “Yeah, what is it with you guys and Dragons anyway?” asks Kimmie Lou. “We are Dragons according to the Chinese Zodiac, we were born in 1964…..how long did you say Mistress Luscious Lasagna’s spice will keep Ryder dreamy?” Kimmie Lou thinks for a few secs “Dunno, I think about half a hour or so.” “And how come this stuff isn’t zoning me out too?” “Yours is a different color.” “Hang on! Are you going to sedate me too?” “When it seems necessary, yes.” “Oh….well, just no shaving eyebrows off or anything – got it!” “Sure, no monkey business, now how about you outline the organization.”

“We still need to line up a few volunteers for board positions and it will take some time to structure things, but RidicuRyder.org should be up and running before the end of the world. Since the Aliens already seem to have the ball rolling, we won’t be able to save the world (even though Kimmie Lou would like it). This means we must settle for a mission to:


“Are you sure we can’t just save the world?” “Kimmie Lou….we already discussed how an organization needs to have clear, concrete and achievable goals, remember?” “Oh, yeah…I forgot, should we outline our fundraising initiative?”

“Here at RidicuRyder we are penniless Morons, any meager earnings we have had over the years has been dumped into Sailboats, Bad Real Estate Deals and a handful of Pretty Cool Trips. Kimmie Lou and the Tasmanian have come up with a scheme to bridge our gap….take it away Kimmie Lou.” Well, Mistress Luscious Lasagna said we had to cast off the Devil after completing the Devil’s Triangle (land version). Our Tasmanian has graciously agreed to be auctioned off after our trip…..bearing in mind certain dispersal arrangements that he and Ridicu have worked out.”

“Basically, the Tasmanian is insisting on a typical Non-Profit set up where those in charge profit (or are at least paid handsomely). We see his point, why be unconventional?” “Tell them about the sliding scale, you know how the .org gets more.” “Yes that’s right – thanks Kimmie Lou, here at RidicuRyder we like thirds and so does the Tasmanian, our discussions around what the reserve bid should be went back and forth for a while. Was a Million too much?” “Not for a date with Demi Moore!” “Initially everyone gets a third of the funds raised…..the.org will get 1/3, Ryder will get 1/3 and then I will get 1/3. Now the reserve will be $999,999.99 (not quite a date with Demi). The funny thing is that when Ryder and I get our thirds, we walk away with $666,666.66 and after thinking about it, we agreed with the Tasmainian…..taking a penny more or less just would not seem right.

“Now tell them what happens when the bidding heats up!” “Well the cool thing is that as the bidding climbs our $666,666.66 stays fixed and the .org gets more…..unless someone bids $9,999,999.99 or above, then we go back to getting thirds (that’s 666 three times – pretty cool) “That seems a little shifty Ridicu.” “I know – right? The thing is, the Tasmanian is insisting on these terms…..our hands are tied, besides, we’re selling the Devil here – the public has to accept some double dealing.” “Okay, suppose the bid is a penny shy of 100 Million or more?” “Thirds….but we are estimating a ballpark 30 to 40 Million winning bid so any further discussion is pretty much hypothetical. “Hypothetically then, the bidding just keeps going and going – every time a 9 gets tacked on are you really gonna take thirds again?” (Ridicu walks off a ways in to the woods with the Tasmanian – they come back after a few minutes) “Okay, okay -everything after a Quadrillion goes to the .org, we will hold with $666 Trillion and the rest of the sixes.”

“Another cool thing about being born in 1964 is the debate over what generation you are a part of.” “Hey Ryder, you nodded off huh?” “Yeah I guess all this off road riding is wearing me out.” “You guys should lose some weight so I don’t get worn out!” We all laugh about how fat Ridicu and I are (but I think we have lost a little weight on the trip so far). “It’s hard to tell sometimes if we are Baby Boomers or Generation Xers – Canada and the USA have different demographic models for when the Generations shifted.” “Then, on top of everything we have lived in the US almost as long as Canada…..which makes us Canerican.” Kimmie Lou gets a pretty good chuckle out of this then says “oh yeah, that reminds me….you’re gonna have to get HW to mail your passport to Montana so you have it when we cross into British Columbia.” “Really – we’re going that far…..that supernatural?”


Trail of Tears (Partial Ride Reconstruction)

20120923-195858.jpg Snowbird Road and Long Creek Road – GPS fix N35.18.638 and 083.48.824 (about 1.5 miles west of Pop and Nana’s). Kimmie Lou, “every time I see you guys messing with the GPS to guess at fuel or do coordinates it makes me think of Star Trek…..you are Trekkies right?”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

If someone was to put a gun to our head and made us choose a religion we would absolutely be Trekkies. Only we would have to COMBINIAC some RastaTrekkian. “Basically Aliens don’t tolerate Humans charging off into space with the usual imperialistic vibe.” “You pretty much just have to let space envelop you and then be amusing or interesting so the Aliens take a pass at killing you.” “So let me get this straight,” says Kimmie Lou, “you get shitfaced and wind up getting the Enterprise stuck in some asteroid field, then along come some Tow Truck Aliens and you are all buddies after they pull you out?” “Yeah,….that could work.”

Our nose stuck out of the Beehive this morning and sensed Scattered Showers and Doom so we thought it best to leave the Tail of the Dragon ride for another day. The Fried Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast was another fabulous starter at Pop and Nana’s. Angle was still off – working on her Harley but everyone assured us she would be back tomorrow. “Great, it would be wonderful to see her.” When you refer to Aliens always use words like wonderful, lovely, inspiring, touching so that when it gets back to them, (and it will) you’ll have the right sentiment going.

Riding up Long Creek Road gets you onto gravel after a ways and the fun kicks in almost at once. These back roads are a blast, Kimmie Lou roars along like a Albino Midget at a Paintball Shoot (we have a thing for Albinos – we know). The switchbacks, climbs, dips and sweepers are amazing, the views are inspiring (wink wink).

20120923-211035.jpg Kimmie Lou sniffles some “I’m 1/8 Cherokee on my Papa’s side.”

I told you we’ve been parking Kimmie Lou too close to the Hospital Administration building – lookit – she’s developing a Borderline Personality Disorder! I mean, Jeez – how many Native American tribes can one motorcycle have in her – she says she’s 1/8 Seminole in Florida, we tell her we’re from Ontario, then suddenly she’s 1/8 Cree and another eighth Ojibway. Her crying suddenly stops, “I have 17 7/8 lineages you Morons!” We throw our hands up and stomp back down to the road, “c’mon we have talked about you using telepathy on us!” “I could tell you were talking about me okay!” We all decide to just go ahead and let Kimmie Lou read our minds…..she is going to anyway. Ridicu and I will honor the old arrangement where our thoughts remain our own unless we share them.

At SWAT miles we reach another fork in the road….of course we are going left, we just stop for a picture and a slug of Platypus Piss.

20120924-041142.jpg At Tatham Gap you must choose Right or Left…..we went Left of course, but if you are in a hurry go Right – it is the road that leads you over the mountain to Andrews.

The road left takes us further up the mountain to a gate, then leads up to some radio towers (possibly an Alien signal station). We are looking at the posts and trying to decide how to get around them when a Black 1969 Cadillac Coupe De Ville glides down and gently hovercrafts right over the gate and stops in front of us. Two exit the front doors, “Howdy boys, I’m Mistress Luscious Lasagna and this here’s my man, Mountain Tactical.” We kickstand Kimmie Lou and shake hands. Mistress Luscious Lasagna looks about halfway between a younger Melanie Griffith and Kristen Dunst, Mountain Tactical could pass for Chaz Palminteri’s kid “we’re Shiners…..would you like to sample our product?” “Sure, but just a tad – we still have some riding to do.” Adventure dictates that when Moonshiners park in front of you with a vintage Cadillac sporting a Crimson Red Silk Hovercraft Skirt and offer you some Moonshine….you go ahead and try it (RidicuRyder otherwise does not condone mixing booze and motorcycling).

There is no back seat in the Caddy, crates of Mason jars are stacked all the way into the trunk – it looks like around 100 gallons of White Lightning. A jar gets cracked and we all take a sip of the South’s Smoothest Shine. “Which way r ya headed?” asks Mountain Tactical. “Down into Andrews.” We aren’t sure it’s the Moonshine but Mistress Luscious Lasagna sounds on fire when she asks, “ever done it before?” “It’s just like slalom skiing – you boys are Canadian right?” says Mountain Tactical. After some further discussion it is decided that it might be best if Mountain Tactical rides Kimmie Lou down on the first run and Mistress Luscious Lasagna drive us down in the Caddy to follow, let our head clear a bit before we try the next run ourselves.

The road down to Andrews is a Slalom course and Mountain Tactical expertly carves Kimmie Lou down the slope. We are barely able to watch the course since Mistress Luscious Lasagna began telling us their tale. Sometimes you meet someone and they just spill everything that has been bottled up inside of them for too long. Mountain Tactical was one of four in vitro babies born in Andrews and Mistress Luscious Lasagna was one of three IVF babies born in Chattanooga. They met a few years ago in a chat room and found they had a lot in common. Over time they finally met and divulged a similar contempt for their siblings – something they had never admitted to anyone.

Soon they were networking with other grown IVFs and their terrible bond was formed. We were intrigued and somewhat horrified to hear of this Assassination Exchange Club were a couple of IVFs from another region would drop in and murder the siblings of a Network member who would have a prearranged rock solid alibi during the hits. Mistress Luscious Lasagna and Mountain Tactical had been to Rochester, New York and Boulder, Colorado for kills, she didn’t think she would be able to do it a third time. “I love my man and want to stand by him, but he has become too Maniacal about running the organization – it has become his life.”

We discussed how certain Physicians, Business Executives and Soccer Moms seemed inclined to Maniacally give themselves over to their organizations on the way back up the mountain….we promised to help in some way. We also admitted our preoccupation with the end times and how it all seemed to be affecting Kimmie Lou the worst, “she’s become rather obsessed with somehow saving the world…..poor kid.” Mistress Luscious Lasagna completely understood, “I wanted to save the world too when I was younger, now I think it would be better for it all to end.”

Back at Tatham Gap, we took Kimmie Lou back from Mountain Tactical “that guy is kind of aggressive, don’t let him ride me again okay.” “Just us now Kimmie Lou, say….did you remember where those moguls are at?” “No worries mates, I’ll have you down in a jif!” It cracks us up when Kimmie Lou whips out her Australian accent. The ride down did feel a lot like slalom skiing – we were glad Mountain Tactical had done the ascent with Kimmie Lou, we might have struggled (if any of you do it from Andrews just keep the throttle on….slowing down is dicey).

When we got down to the bottom we got talked into one more shot of Shine for the road, they must have spiked it with something because the last thing we remember was Mistress Luscious Lasagna wheeling the Caddy around (back on whitewall tires) with us slumped in the front seat. We came to on the steps of a Baptist Church back towards Robbinsville, Kimmie Lou was parked under a billboard across the parking lot.

20120924-114303.jpg Ridicu was stirring before me….he remembers Mistress Luscious Lasagna whispering something to Kimmie Lou as Mountain Tactical humped us onto the church steps.

The taste in our mouth is somewhere between Fettuccine Alfredo and Rocket Fuel, “Kimmie Lou, what was that talk I heard about the Devil’s Triangle?” “Our instructions are to ride the Devil’s Triangle then cast off the Devil.” We walk (somewhat unsteadily) to where Kimmie Lou is parked – her trip odometer reads 11 7/8. “The Devil’s Triangle will be a pretty wet ride”… “Not the one in the Ocean….the land based one.” Ridicu and I briefly cross eyes then say “never heard of it.” “Kimmie Lou shrugs her handlebars, “I can figure it out but we’ll have to do another 6,666 miles” “WHAT!” She gives a little chuckle, “just kidding – it will be more like 8,000 miles.” We slowly digest this, eventually, “so it will be another month or two on the road…..how are you going to tell HW?” “That will be the tricky part.”

On the ride back to Robbinsville Kimmie Lou asks “can you please just layout the simple framework for me….you know the one without all these layers of maniacs?” We consider it for around a 1/2 mile, “okay Kimmie Lou, we can lay it on you when we ride the Dragon.” A little more Doom creeps into our bones….what if the Machines organize and challenge the Aliens at the end of the world? “I won’t tell any other Machines without clearing it with you guys first.” A Machine with well developed Telepathy and the Basic Blueprint for Everything……it certainly will make for interesting End Times.

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They Know (Ride Report: Forestry Road 81)

20120923-132753.jpg Kimmie Lou, “I need to get a few things straight before we start back into gravel roads again.” Santeetla Gap forms the junction for Hwy 143, Joyce Kilmer Road and the Cherohala Skyway – Forestry Road 81 is 25 feet along Joyce Kilmer (just behind signs)…..you barely finish your right turn onto Joyce Kilmer and then you make a left down a brief paved stretch onto Forest Service Road 81.

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

We settled into the Beehive nicely….maybe it was too nice. Our last minute cancellation rate was scarcely more than camping rates and it turned out this place was lakefront with a hot tub and a paddle boat for guests. “They know…..this is too good to be true!” “I think everyone here is just very nice – Southern Hospitable, Earnest Workerbeesiacs, so far I have not detected another Alien presence besides Angle.” “Yeah, but you know they’re around right? Maybe not at the Cafe or here at the Beehive but somewhere nearby.” Ridicu was right, they never worked alone – always in pairs or teams of some sort.

Breakfast back at Pop and Nana’s cinched it for us. “Oh, Angle will be sorry she missed you – she told us you called her the Dance Bandit.” “Well, things do get a little wobbly around here when she does that twist.” This very nice lady at the counter looked perplexed then replied, “She sure can tear up the dance floor at Harrah’s!” We all chatted for a while, it was Angle’s day off and she was also known for being quite the Angler. “She unofficially caught the largest catfish ever around here, outta Fontana Lake. She didn’t tell nobody at first cause when she cut it open,out popped a Midnight Blue FLH with its Rider, license plate and serial #s digested clean off…..she’s just about got it restored – you’ll be seeing her riding around town any day now.” Typical, Aliens almost always ride Harleys. We also never told her we named the last Blog “Dance Bandit”…..we are about a month behind on the Blog so one of her crew must of time jumped recently. It is no coincidence that everybody is “hearing” about our handle for her……she wants us to know that they know and more importantly, that they are watching us.

So far the trips most spectacular breakfast: Fried Baloney, Egg & Tomato Sandwich on Texas Toast – on par with any Baloney Sandwiches we grew up with in Northern Ontario (note to self – look into importation regulations for Texas Toast into Northern Ontario). One odd thing is that we have washed our hands at least ten times since we got to town and just can’t seem to move Wanda’s toolshed dirt out from under our fingernails….it’s starting to get a little embarrassing – how grubby we must look.

Outside we snap a few shots of Kimmie Lou and discuss the various rides available to us in the area – we know it as The Lair of the Dragon because just a little North on highway 129 you encounter the Tail of the Dragon. Eventually we discover that folks refer to their neck of the woods as the Lair of the Dragon from places as far away as Charleston or Nashville……that’s how cool this road is and we soon discover that most of it’s surrounding rides are pretty awesome as well. We have lingered a while this morning and our plan is to ride the Dragon early and hopefully miss the usual surge of midday traffic. Today seems perfect for another dirt road, we will return to then Beehive and organize a light bag, Kimmie Lou is all sporty and frisky without our usual load of gear. “Take me off the pavement boys!”

We swap gear and ride out Snowbird Road (same area for doing the Trail of Tears)….basically you just head West from Pop and Nana’s past Robbinsville’s Courthouse and you are on Snowbird and it is a great ride out to Santeetlah gap – lots of twists and variations (sound familiar?). Another photo at Santeetlah Gap and Kimmie Lou decides we need to update her some more. “I understand that they know that we know, but why aren’t they doing anything like zapping us with a death ray or something.” “Aliens can kill you anytime – it is no more a task for them than turning a doorknob……the only reason they keep people around is if they find them interesting.” “And you Morons are interesting?” “Well sort of….and when you go back far enough we have all dated the same chicks.” “Some of the same guys too, hey Ridicu can you remind me to pick up a nail brush when we are back in town – this dirt under our fingernails is starting to drive me crazy!”

Kimmie Lou is trying hard not to laugh, small burps of compression squirt out her exhaust and then finally she settles down. “That isn’t dirt…..Wanda tattooed black strips under everyone of your fingernails.” “WHAT!” We both cry, “awe crap, the Hospital Handwashing Police are just gonna love this.” “She said maybe you should think about a career change.” “Do you think she knows we just dated a Nurse for a while and then laser copied her credentials when she was out one afternoon?” “Probably, I told you we shoulda went to Nursing School, forging credentials always comes back to bite ya in the end.”

Ride Report: Forest Service Road 81, Robbinsville, North Carolina

20120923-170004.jpg Santeetlah Creek Campsites – free in National Forests. Kimmie Lou, “we should have camped out here – well, maybe next time.”

Forest Service Road 81 is a hoot and very well maintained, we suspect something like clay in the soil keeps the road bed well compacted – the bends and switchbacks are a little overgrown but the edges have been (recently) well graded. SWAT (Some Where Around Ten) miles in we are faced with a choice. The road forks…..it really is never a choice Ridicu always decides to go left and I have learned it is just easier to agree with him (Always bring a flashlight, matches etc and top up on fuel before you go riding into the bush with Ridicu). By the cooler temperature we know we are getting higher. Our left turn takes us up and to a locked gate, Ridicu takes Bugs Bunny’s cautionary words “I knew I shoulda taken that Left turn at Albequeque” very seriously.

On the way back down to the fork we discuss continuing on (the road will keep climbing until you go under the Cherohala Skyway). We have some extra gear to wear for the cooler ride out, (especially if we jump on the skyway) but we elect to go back the way we came…..this way we will have SWAT miles of gravel rather than just a couple more – then blacktop (and it is pretty cold). The scenery was fantastic on the way in and we see more stuff coming back.

This is RidicuRyder’s first ride report…..hope you liked it, it felt a little too factual to us, but we suppose this is how they are done (only better by most other Moto – Journal Types).

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Dance Bandit

20120913-140826.jpg Another Underground Ice Creamery in Robbinsville North Carolina…..very unusual counter staff – could this be The Center Of The Universe ?

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

As we left Wanda Witch we felt almost back to baseline, Kimmie Lou asked “how come there was a Wanda before Young Horror and then right after?” “Whenever we take our Megalomaniac out for a spin, the bummer is how we basically end up right back where we started from.” Kimmie Lou chatters over a washboard stretch of gravel then asks “Wanda said some stuff I really couldn’t understand about a path to thy inferiority complex contributing to your Megalomaniac.” Ridicu guffaws and then the laugh starts sounding like a half-strangled chipmunk as I clench our jaw shut.

Eventually the squeaky snickering rattling around in our head gets to me and I relax our jaw muscles. “Not path to thy – Pathology……and Ryder is kind of sensitive about his inferiority complex – I keep trying to tell him to relax, basically it’s huge – probably the biggest or most SUPERIOR – inferiority complex out there.” Kimmie Lou and Ridicu laugh hysterically around the next handful of curves until I downshift into first then quick-release the clutch. The back end – all locked up – drifts out to the edge of a sheer corner. Gravel sweeps off the drop and pounds the evergreen treetops below, the sound of bark yelping echoes through the valley below. “Hey! Jeez, don’t be so sensitive!” I can tell by her tighter tracking to the road that Kimmie Lou doesn’t find this all so funny anymore.

After a couple of minutes of quiet, well mannered riding we stop to pee, our first of the day. The thing about Ridicu is…..he can’t just back off when tensions are high and people are feeling vulnerable. The idea of quietly retreating to a safe corner irks him, he can do it, but only after he takes another few jabs at the situation. “Inferiority does have certain perks though.” Kimmie Lou pretends she hasn’t heard him, I decide to bite, just to get this over with “like the humility thing?” Kimmie Lou jumps right in ” what about That Which is Whole…..doesn’t it mean you are all basically the same being anyway?” Ridicu and I groan inwardly “what did Wanda tell you about That Which is Whole?” “Wanda said only you Morons and a couple of hundred other people know about That Which is Whole on this planet and that you would tell me everything when your linkage becomes more solid.”

Ridicu and I stop laughing after about 10 or 12 minutes, we pick ourselves up off the Forestry Road we have been rolling around on and dust ourselves off. “Our linkage will stay sloppy for this round.” “And so will everyone else’s.” Kimmie Lou’s forks turn to us slightly “what’s a round?” Even way out here in the forest we aren’t sure we should be saying this out loud “every time a world dies out….that’s a round.” “Wanda said you two think this world is about to end…..she and a couple of other Witches think this world might make it.” “It will not!” “It might” said Kimmie Lou. “No it won’t!” “Yes it will !” “Will not!” “Will too!”“WILL NOT!” “WILL TOO!”…..They went on like this for a stretch until Kimmie Lou’s front fender started to tremble and her voice started to crack (Machines get all choked up at the end of worlds…..which is funny when you think about it cause the rest of the time they don’t indulge emotions).

A while later we connected with the famous highway 129 just outside of Andrews, North Carolina – the fabled section a few hours North was calling us. All the arguing had left everyone exhausted….we all agreed that we lacked the right headspace to tackle The Tail of the Dragon, it would have to wait for a day or two, a campsite, fire and marshmallows became our mission. We ride into Robbinsville and Kimmie Lou just steers herself into a place called Pop and Nana’s – charming little joint, “let’s get ice cream!” “Kimmie Lou, would you like anything?” “Could we come back tomorrow and get a picture – after washing all the dust off and dropping these bags?” “Absolutely Kimmie Lou, anything for you darlin.” Ridicu and Kimmie Lou don’t just kiss and make up…..sometimes you almost have to get them a room.

A Beaming Beauty comes out of the kitchen as we step up to the counter. “Howdy miss, we’d like to watch you split a Banana.” “Certainly, but that means I build it my way – dealer’s choice for everything else.” “Lead on,” I looked at her name tag, “Angle.” “That’s a pretty unusual handle….what’s the angle?” She smiled at us as the Banana settled into the boat like a tree falling in the forest, except……there wasn’t a sound. ” According to my Mama I was always Jack-knifed in utero, if she wanted to sit or lay down she would have to dance the twist for a few minutes to work me into a ball first.” Her artistry over the Banana was other worldly, we couldn’t wait to share the Split (Split personalities are real snobs when it comes to Banana Splits).

20120916-000355.jpg Unless you are a Dessert Zombie these Banana Spits will extend your life by a year or two ( too bad the World is about to end again ).

As Angle lay the split before us and took our money, she did a little twist (mostly with her elbows) and for an instant we stood still while the entire establishment spun 360 degrees around us. Angle gave us $20 change from our $10 bill, we stuck it in her tip jar and took a seat by the window. Our previous pledge to keep the blog PG13, restrains us from most descriptors – writing, gets a little sticky here, with all the wild imagery swirling us back to the bliss that was this split. Better to forget what it tasted like and press on…..somethings can’t be discussed in polite company.

Afterwards we went outside to fetch the iPad out of Mr Fandango, discuss a few campground options. “The trip odometer still says 12 7/8……I was sure this experience would register.” “She’s an Alien” said Kimmie Lou. “Yikes – really?” Kimmie Lou laughed “when was the last time you Morons had a split so good?” “Jeez, dunno,it’s been eons…..oh.” “Only human beings, witches, mystical beings and animals can roll the odometer – Aliens don’t count” said Kimmie Lou, then added “Wanda did say Aliens were almost ready to shut this world down.” Normally we tolerate Aliens, they are just different beings, after all, but it bugs us when they end a world – so messy, “Did she say when they would close things down?” Kimmie Lou thought about it, “I recall her saying something about December 21st.” MAYANS! Great, how did we wind up in the middle of another one of these shit shows!

We confer for a few minutes, initially I wanted to scratch this whole state off the trip – just get back on Kimmie Lou and ride to Tennessee, but she talked me out of it. “Look maybe we could hang around and watch for where an alternate ending could fit in here…..the way she spun the building means something right?” “This might be the Next Center of the Universe, I mean with Banana Splits like that.” We went back inside to hang out – you can’t spy on Aliens, they catch on, so we just surfed campsites until another employee noticed and said “there has been a cancellation out at the Beehive, if you are looking for a place to stay.” “Sounds splendid, we could use a break from sleeping on or in the ground.”

As we rode away Kimmie Lou asked “so, if the Beehive only rents by the week, doesn’t that hammer our budget?” “We got a last minute deal, too good to pass up….or they want to keep an eye on us – it’s hard to say.” Besides, look around – this place is full of the most potent ingredient…….Workerbeesiacs!”


Notions of Death

20120905-225343.jpgThe Black Horse understands death with a grim sort of “so what” ….ideal for the predicament we found ourselves in.

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

Anything involving hooves dancing across your grave, is generally….best avoided, but sometimes it can be therapeutic. Ridicu had a very odd energy and was unusually helpful for our Northern advance into the Lair of the Dragon. I couldn’t decide if he was relieved to emerge from last night’s close call or gleefully speeding towards a fresh bouquet of doom.

After Hayesville NC you must travel East or West to remain on pavement, we wound our way North, into the Nantahala National Forestry Roads. Kimmie Lou’s rear tire is almost as bald as we are and she fishtails along the winding gravel roads, especially as we begin to climb. Along certain ridges we note the sun on our left as it arcs into the West, each summit we skirt smells slightly more sinister than its southern sisters.

Houses spot a few valleys, up ahead one is below the road to the left, the sun is glistening off the tin roof. We slow, a level patch of gravel allows us to stop and get our bearings….ahead the road narrows; not likely a branch we will take. Our navigation so far has been “eff it – we gotta come out somewhere.” We have only gone 53 miles since our last gas fill and generally we ask for directions when: 1. It starts getting dark 2. Fuel gets thin OR 3. It becomes necessary to engage another human being because we are really starting to get on each other’s nerves (the directions we get are basically just an added bonus).

The road to the right rises sharply, impossible for the way Kimmie Lou is loaded, attempting it appeals to Ridicu’s flair for suicide…..we contemplate going straight but it appears the track will dead end in a few hundred feet. Our ass isn’t all that numb, but there is something about this spot, it might be nice to say hello. We are just about to drop the kickstand when the hounds round the lower end of the farmhouse. The bounding / galloping beasts do not appear friendly, the bark of a hound is really more of a bellow and when you look them in the eye…. hound dogs convey a horrible patience that says “your heart will explode before we even consider the chase has begun.”

Kimmie Lou whoops, as her ass end swoops side to side. We spray gravel into the long miserable faces of these rat bastards who often take sick pleasures, such as freeing convicts of their freedom illusions. Our chest is crushing Mr Fandango as we climb skyward, up was the only option and when we slip into a rain rut we stabilize long enough to gain some speed and shift into second….just in time as this bitch of a grade gets even steeper. Kimmie Lou’s 6,000 RPM Howl is a happy cover for our Creepy Cackling inside the Tasmanian, we laugh like Madmen (more than usual) until the road eases over to switch back around a face stretching across the prettiest Blue Ridge we have seen so far.

Staying high along this mountain for miles we eventually begin traversing its Eastern face. Here we can see its shadow along Lake Nantahala to the East and realize this mountain is actually quintuplets – conjoined at birth. Rounding the Northernmost (runt of the litter) we begin climbing again. Near the crest a Tall Skinny Witch House sits in a hollow, the road dips to half circle the property and we slow down to take a look. The house is mostly purple but many other colors are represented, green and gray trim, windows painted yellow and blue, pink shutters. On a black porch swing sits another one of these Stunning Southern Women except she isn’t even trying. After a quick scan for dogs, we slow and turn into her gate where it says on the tiniest sign, WANDA WITCH.

“Howdy boys….any thoughts on where a friendly witch can tuck into a little doubles action a ways back on the road out there?” “Howdy miss, which witching might you be doubling into…..tennis or hound dogs?” Everyone was quiet for a few seconds, the wind even took a breath. When something doesn’t need saying… nothing gets said, we walked up to the porch for a closer look at this chick. She looked almost exactly like Christina Ricci except her eyes were more thyroidal and her chest was practically flat, at first it looked like she was wearing glasses but then we saw a frame had just been tattooed onto her face. “There’s a wheelchair ramp by the kitchen door, bring Kimmie Lou up on the porch with me.”

Our evening with Wanda got weirder…..

Just after sunrise we clawed our way out of the earth behind the toolshed. There really isn’t a lot of difference between being buried for 5 minutes or 5 hours, but we are pretty sure we had been in the ground for about 5 hours. Aside from waking up buried alive the thing you remember most, is you don’t have to pee…..the soil has just leeched the urine right out of your bladder. Also, as you dust off in someone’s front yard they really shouldn’t complain about your lack of hygienic manners…..we considered it perfectly acceptable to aggressively nose pick and blow snot all over Wanda’s Petunia’s.

“That sounds disgusting” said Kimmie Lou, she couldn’t see because she was covered in some sort of paste. “Tapioca herb headlight facial” explained Wanda, then “shall I hose you boys off?” We thought about it for a few seconds and recognized that tone “would you boys like to see the toolshed?” from last night. “No thanks, just point us to the hose and we’ll do it ourselves.” Ridicu and I refute all breakfasts that present without pork. We almost had to change religion after Wanda turned us onto Cinnamon Goat’s Milk Captain Crunch. As we went for a second bowl we glanced Kimmie Lou’s trip odometer – 12 7/8.

Kimmie Lou politely waited for us to finish our third cup of coffee before saying, “Wanda says there is no such thing as a Well Balanced Megalomaniac.” Ridicu’s heart really wasn’t in it, but “everything hinges on the Workerbeesiacs…..who also, really – aren’t Megalomaniacs, except when they coordinate well at the middleweight level.” Kimmie Lou’s headlight and windshield lexan had been glowing, but now got kinda dark “BULLSHIT!” Wanda leaned in and patted Kimmie Lou’s seat ” alternate worlds have alternate frameworks Kimmie Lou, I just said that these Morons regularly mix up frames.” Then Wanda pushed her tattoo glasses up on her nose….then the glasses disappeared.

We all sat around discussing various frameworks in differing worlds for a while, eventually Kimmie Lou settled down a bit. “Look Kimmie Lou, you are a machine…..Ridicu and I just have to be careful discussing this kind of stuff with you – it is better to have broader, more vague information for Machines.” Kimmie Lou looked at Wanda, who said, “technically, the Morons are right here – Machines generally desire an ordered and safe world….sometimes the worse thing you can do is discuss simple frameworks with Machines because they’ll take off with them and before you know it you’ll be running the world.”

We talked for a while longer, then Kimmie Lou asked “so how do the Workerbeesiacs balance everything out?” We looked at Wanda “you started this.” Wanda rubbed her eyes and the frames reappeared on her face, ” machines can’t run the world….whenever they try, everything goes wrong.” We all put a hand on Kimmie Lou to soften things a little for her – this was hard for her to hear. Wanda continued, ” Workerbeesiacs are basically people who KNOW how to do things, sort of like Machines, but they also know about the limits of mechanized operations.” “When they forget these limits, they can mindlessly drone on with usual Megalomaniac Imbalances and the world will just run itself off a cliff.” “And so far, it has every time” added Wanda.



20120831-112433.jpg Cupid’s Falls – most of what happened here after our re-entry into earth’s atmosphere will remain classified (it’s all pretty hazy anyway). Kimmie Lou’s account is patched together with our meager recollections…..our apologies to our readers for any inaccuracies.

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

As most of you can imagine our re-entry angle was off, we came in too fast, almost everything that could go wrong did and all the enmeshed Peachoplasm cooked right into us as we burned our way back through the earth’s atmosphere. If it wasn’t for Misty Mountain Lion we would still be a steaming, chain-linked cobbler oozing and bubbling in that crater we punched into the creekbed. “Now don’t worry Kimmie Lou” said Misty, “I’ll have these boys cleaned up in a few hours.” Apparently this kind of thing happened all the time in these parts, Misty could tell by the hue of the night sky that someone nearby was about to blast off.

Misty rolled us upstream to the waterfall and started licking us clean. Now, most of you know how rough a cat’s tongue is, but a Mountain Lion the size of a Greyhound bus has it’s own CATegory. Imagine you are standing in the discharge of a wood-chipper while 7 Angry Dwarves are feeding it branches of Oak, Mahogany, Teak and Walnut (“That Walnut really stung!”). Kimmie Lou would say things from the bank like “settle down you big babies!” when our screams really got loud. It almost goes without saying…..the thing about Ridicu is – he feels everything twice as much as anyone else.

At dawn we were just about back in our regular skin, the taste in our mouth was right in between peaches and the sands of time. Misty pawed us up onto the grass beside Kimmie Lou and told us we should wait another couple of hours before trying to stand up (the space vertigo was still pretty bad). Of course Ridicu tried sitting us up and we immediately swayed right into Kimmie Lou’s front wheel. We were clinging to her fork leg with our eyes shut tight trying to make the spinning stop when Misty said, “maybe you need a little more washing.” “NO !” Then we added, “thanks – we’ll just lay still for a couple of hours like you said” and lowered our head back onto the grass.

“Thanks Misty” said Kimmie Lou, “I’ll make sure the wobbles are gone before letting them start me up.” “Well, I’m off then – take care of each other!” Misty leaped over the creek and was gone before any of us could say anything else. “So spill it Morons….what the hell was that thing you turned into?” “That was our Megalomaniac…..” “You mean like your OOGLA BOOGLIAC ?” replied Kimmie Lou. How did she know about OOGLA BOOGLIACS ? “What did you and Misty get to talking about while we were gone?” “She said you two would be even weirder for the next little stretch and I would have to keep an eye on you.” “Anything else?” Barely audible, “Stinkless said I should be nice to you for a while….she walked us over here from the tennis courts.”

We all said nice things to each other for around an hour, then “how do you know about OOGLA BOOGLIACS ?” “Around a year ago, we were out on Miami Beach, at that German place on Lincoln Road…..remember?” It took a moment or two for us to recall our lunch – was it Bratwurst? “Okay, what about the German place?” “Well, you had me parked beside a couple of BMWs and I heard them talking about Shitler.” “Who is Shitler?” “I dunno, some OOGLA BOOGLIAC who made things really awkward for Germans for a while.” Then I had it “okay Kimmie Lou….first of all, those Beemers were snarffling Schnitzel – they were talking about Hitler and putting S s in front of almost everything”(typical K bikes – eating so fast!). “Yeah and guys like Hitler and Charlie Manson give Megalomaniacs a bad name, they aren’t even legitimate Megalomaniacs.”

After discussing various OOGLA BOOGLIACS, we had summed things up. Kimmie Lou said, “so there are three weight classes of Megalomaniacs, Middleweights – sort of like you……Heavyweights ” “Except there is really only one HEAVYWEIGHT,” I interrupted.“But we have everyone beat on reach by at least a Galaxy.” I squeezed in on our temples until we saw stars, “stop saying stuff like that….it never ends well when we get too cocky.” Kimmie Lou pressed on, “then there are all the lightweights, but they don’t even really count as Megalomaniacs……can you run this by me again?”

We were finally able to sit up and we turned to face Kimmie Lou “okay, think about it….a Megalomaniac can’t really be a Megalomaniac if it is a lightweight.” “Then, on top of everything, lightweights just take themselves too seriously – remember what we said about thirds?” “You mean how you can really be right if you have to be right, but only 1/3 of the time and that lightweights are trying too hard to be “heavy” rather than lightening everybody up?” “Exactly ! …..unless you are in the southern hemisphere – then everything swirls the other way.” Kimmie Lou laughed “Ridicu, I am beginning to see the wise in your weird!”

Then we all laughed for a while as Ridicu cracked off more goof, saying all sorts of crap like:“everything is, unless it isn’t!” Eventually Kimmie Lou got serious again, “so how many middleweights are there again?” “Everybody is a Middleweight…..unless they take themselves too seriously and slip back into one of the lightweight types – of which there are 4 :
– OOGLA BOOGLIACS become adept at scare tactics and domination…..Shitler was well known for the whole homo-erotic / domination thing.
– REGUDAISIACS are your standard “we know best” types…..the guy who flares righteous after a six pack in the Rec room on Saturday night. “
“Then, there’s the gal who makes a stink at a friends wedding about crappy appetizers or tacky Bridesmaids dresses.” “Yeah, these folks also often feel a compulsion to control their kids.”
– “GOODYTWOSHOESIACS are the…” “Yeah, I got this one” interrupted Kimmie Lou.
COMBINIACS are just lightweights who get together with other lightweights who have common interests and perspectives …..safety in numbers types who eventually learn how to gang up on opponents.”

“So….you have been learning to take yourself less and less seriously in order to move up a weight class?” asked Kimmie Lou. “Sort of – we have done a lot of the lightweight stuff and recognize the inherent limitations…..plus, it is way more fun to change gears and keep the universe guessing!” We had just straddled Kimmie Lou and stiffened up – the odometer now read 13 7/8! Kimmie Lou understood our shock at seeing the trip odometer rolling backwards “we are on Mystical Muffin Munching Miles now Morons…..those 4 girls shaved off the first 4.”

The ride back to Chatuge was surreal, like time had digested our tire pressure and we were floating along. Once we had broke camp and had Kimmie Lou all packed up we asked her “what now?” She looked us square in the eye and said, ” it’s time boys….we ride into the Lair of the Dragon.”