Howdy Myst, (Edited Version Available 2020)
A limitless mind can be a great comfort and an excruciating discomfort at the same time. We know everything…..know. Our problems arise when we begin grasping for knowledge, attempt to manipulate knowledge, basically we see ourselves without knowledge. The primary vessels we carry our lack of knowledge in are called beliefs…….if you would rather not know – believe. I would rather not know, but just skip the beliefs……then the option for knowing still exists.
The Catholic upbringing hasn’t quite stuck, my Excommunication Notice keeps winding up at the wrong address, which is handy because it’s fun to give Romans a hard time……from within. My Indivisible has almost no use for world religions, it’s okay to get snowed in one winter and get dialed in to a regular soap opera, but c’mon…..spring is around the corner.
Shamans, Healers, Yoda and the rest of the alternative spirituality crowd will sometimes resort to reality shifting substances to get a glimpse beyond ourselves. Mescaline, Hasheesh and Coca are a few natural substances that have expansive effects. My built in spirit wiggler is Bipolar Disorder, a Salt – Lithium keeps me from expanding too far, it works pretty well for the most part. Ridicu prefers the name “Multipolar with well defined North and South Poles” instead of Bipolar, if you read the blog we are not really into labels (except for fun or horrific effects)…..we know we are oddballs and like it off road.
Broadly cycling moods along with contracting, then expanding senses of yourself leave a lovely groove for the duality of things. Duality can have limits if you are doing it wrong……when opposing factors become balanced or boring merely package them (sloppy is fine) and then begin weighing them against third factors etc. I don’t get too hung up on refined math or logic usually…..unless I am trying to convince myself I don’t know something….. Ridicu calls this being confined by reason. We aren’t magicians, it’s just that we sometimes sweep knowledge aside to arrive at certain destinations. So at this point you may be scratching your head a bit…..basically we almost never get tired of fucking around between Science and Spirituality, it’s especially fun to bundle them and then dual them against Character…..it’s our favorite three-way.
Which Characters? Almost anyone really, the one that really pops though is our Megalomaniac. It is no coincidence that my favorite language describes Megalomania as an extreme form of manic defense against the anxiety resulting from separation. The last few words of this definition: separation “from the object”, have been tossed aside – just plain separation works fine. Things will become clearer when we discuss our Indivisible later. Anyone getting annoyed with trying to figure out if I actually have multiple personalities? If you get all focused on the multiple personality issue being rolled around in my right hand you are going to miss what is going on in my left. Don’t get distracted, yes I have multiple personalities……except we don’t (this may get clearer as we go).
Back to reason for a bit, the crazy thing is fucking tricky. We have come to accept ourselves in two main crazy states: Horribly unrestrained by reason (this is when a lot of crazy people get noticed) and Delightfully unrestrained by reason (generally, someone says something like “Wow, you’re pretty creative”). Doing Delightful regularly is kinda like windsurfing……you fall (horribly) quite a bit in the beginning and even after you get the hang of it the elements conspire to frequently keep you humble. I also have a “Regular Guy” state where we are mostly confined by reason. This is where I do stuff like laundry and show up for work as a RN, what Ridicu calls our “Character Job”…..it pays the bills.
As far as falling off the windsurfer goes, there are dozens of variations, a few are:
– landing on the sail
– falling in backwards while holding the boom so you have to swim out from under the sail
– going in head and shoulders first
– dropping off feet first as a balanced dismount
– hitting the board on the way down, then sliding or rolling off as a groan leaves your lips
Being Horribly unrestrained by reason includes stuff like:
– having hyper religious thoughts
– experiencing flight of ideas
– exhibiting a savior complex
– straining to maintain a god complex
– developing some kind of drama where people are likely to get hurt
I have tumbled through all this horrible stuff and I fully expect to endure more of the same as time rolls on. You could say the thing we are falling into is water…..these Oceans blanketing the Earth where everything is flowing into and out of this Great Watered Body. Pressure is what causes the fall…..this sense of there being more than ourselves, something just out of our grasp yet whispering to us at the same time. Whether we enter the sea or drift up into the atmosphere and beyond, many of us know there is something universal connecting us all, we sometimes just look like fucking morons trying to find it.
Being grandiose is phenomenal, you can’t buy drugs that bring a better rush towards everything…..the difficult thing is being 7 million light years away and then realizing “Yikes, I forgot my spacesuit!” We have an endless mind/spirit sphere of operations with very little tangible structure – or what I have come to think of as Character to hold things together. The individual blasting off on his or her own is bound to fall apart. Getting way out there with spirituality or science becomes too unstable an environment.
I started reading Einstein in my early twenties and I enjoyed a lot of his perspectives, but these three quotes struck me significantly:
1. “A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive.”
2. ”The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
3. “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.”
Okay,there are multiple imagination quotes in #3, I remember looking over this book called Einstein, Ideas and Opinions for years. I would keep it at my bedside and read a section before sleeping and when I woke up. For some reason I got kinda fixated on #2 and began looking for where Einstein contradicted himself and what the flip side of his perspectives would be…..I probably imagined a lot as my sleepy morning dreamer would process a page or two and then I would fall back to sleep.
Years ago I discovered that F.Scott Fitzgerald, not Einstein said the bit about holding two opposing ideas in #2, but by then I had already decided Einstein could be kind of a slippery fucker. I may have been reading the New Yorker in a dentist’s office and picked up the Fitzgerald quote…..who knows? So I sorta have a F. Scott Big Al sensibility for some stuff, what can I say…..I’m a goofy hybrid that has conformity issues.
#1 has stuck pretty hard, I kinda have it in my bones now. I got into meditation while living in Vancouver in my early twenties, the Einstein imperative to liberate from the self was swirling pretty good. The idea of an open Universe right at the edge of my consciousness made more and more sense as time went by. The group I meditated with had evening and day gatherings I attended regularly. For a stretch we got into Joseph Campbell and while there was a decent Buddhist ethic to the group I started to understand through symbols how most religions are kinda saying the same stuff. Yes, there are huge differences in World Regions for how faith operates and people approach divinity…..I have come to understand these as Individual Presentations of That Which Is Whole. Everyone exists as individuals (small i)…..but we all aspire to belong to a larger group – family, religion, sports franchise fanaticism, political party…..whatever, all of it brings inclusion (except when another team visits from out of town).
So I have an ego and it likes to order the world in a way that is ME Yummy (Mark’s Ego Yummy). ME Yummy might not be your yummy…..and it can be a problem for me. For fucking eons this has been a problem, WTF! The thing is, individual (small i) ego drives regularly fuck things up…..letting go of the self (ego) to serve a greater sphere of your tribe makes you more Individual (large I). The ultimate letting go of your self inside an Individual Sphere comes with parenthood, most people will make great sacrifices for their children, here we encounter the indivisible…..
Experiencing yourself as an indivisible is basic…..we are wired for it. Even though some of us have faulty wiring, the example of a parent doing anything for their child is Universal. To be separated (or divided) from your child is excruciating, like a part of yourself is cut away only for many the death of a child can hollow out your center and leave you irrevocably broken….. Most of us have seen this and in my experience many are tortured by the thought of this, for many, no calamity looms larger on the horizon than the loss of a child.
Now, circling back to #1:
“We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive.”
When humanity survives – our children survive, (I may have 1 or 2 floating around that I don’t know about) this again is basic, but our tendency to operate within our own little spheres often prevents us from being:
(large I) 🙂
Condensing #1 for me and accounting for the coupling of Science and Spirituality has rendered a 13 word single sentence of Dogma that among other things, aims to put itself out of business:
I Am, Like Everyone, An Individual Indivisible Presentation Of That Which Is Whole.
You might wonder about punctuation, (I can be a little freestyle) there is no comma between Individual and Indivisible….. These are not adjectives – this is you…..Whole.
Okay, Okay, Okay……can we all agree that I am saying nothing new here, maybe just packaging things a little differently?
Good, please remember that this is basically all Einstein’s fault. In this last section things are going to get pretty out there, my sense of myself at present is stable, but I understand many reading this will doubt my sanity…..it’s okay, I am at the point where I doubt the sanity of our species. Also, I am putting quite a bit of personal information into this post – I think the background is important. Discussing the flaws in the world around us without addressing my shortcomings would seem sorta unspectacular. I am around 180 degrees off professional writing, that my Indivisible mostly tracks straight is kinda impressive, at least, I have always thought so.
The Indivisible forms with the Individual – both by nature also override the other (two opposing ideas and all that). Individual religions and Individual branches of science can easily be seen as out for themselves at times. The same can’t quite be said for the Indivisible and this is where things get interesting.
In recent years I have come to think of the 13 words as a form of spiritual autism and I really only just noticed that Spiritual Autism is an actual thing where people sense a spiritual depth in Autistics. My take on it is different but similar at the same time.
When I say spiritual autism I liken it to a child in my care that is really, really into Dora (the Explorer). They might say Dora, Dora, Dora, Dora twenty times in the first 90 seconds when I enter their room. When I encounter a kid like this, I have to stop and talk to them about Dora and Diego…..the option to carry on about my work as an adult / health care professional on behalf of the hospital and the institutions of medicine and allied health grinds to a complete halt. This little autistic kid, through sheer insistence overrides me…..it’s kinda brilliant.
Overriding various Individual religions, branches of science (including political or economic) means shutting up administrators. I will get around to administrators specifically in another post, for now let me just say they will calm down where Indivisibility is concerned. Use the 13 words, say them over and over again like you are sorta autistic…..it may not seem charming at first, check your insistence…..you have to stick with this stuff.
I Am, Like Everyone, An Individual Indivisible Presentation Of That Which Is Whole.
Maybe you have 8, 10 or 12 words you prefer using rather than the thirteen…..I’m fine with almost anything else, just as long as the single sentence is ready to put itself outta business at any time. Actually, if you think about it, the first two words “I Am” are all you will need eventually as far as words go. Just say “I Am” – or whatever – whenever anyone starts into their whole Individual marketing platform…..they gotta catch on to the limits of their perspectives some time.
While we have a whiff of health care up, let me just say how hilarious I find it when highly educated people regurgitate the belief that science is going to deliver the species somewhere interesting. Science and Technology do benefit our species…..to a point, on the other hand they will probably fuck up the planet before everyone gets a spaceship built. Ultimately we will have to benefit ourselves and our environment in the broadest terms possible for any real change to happen. Good old regular health care is already priced beyond the average citizen in a lot of “developed” nations, people who insist on deliverance by science should maybe take a look in the mirror and ask themselves if being thought of as 21st Century Nazis is really where they see this marketing taking them. Seriously, dial back the techno-master-monied racy shit…..you are gonna get in trouble.
At the terminal ends of sciences like mathematics and physics you hear stuff like “the more we know, the more we realize we don’t know…..it’s like someone is fucking with us” (okay, I’m making that last bit up). Gifted scientists like Einstein talk God, they wonder about the implications of their research and how the subsequent technologies will be used. Atheists are partially right…..there is no God…..considering our highly divided species and universe that results…..if you were God would you hang out here? Like I said in the beginning, I am not really interested in beliefs. I would rather know. At the moment I am still imagining I know.
I know, I know, I know…..this almost never works out for crazy people.
For now, I think it is within reason to agree that our species has been painting itself into a corner, except some might think it was needed before a good leap could take place. If you are stuck on your particular Individual club somehow coming out on top, I have some bad news:
Imagination is more important than knowledge
Everyone can believe or know that destiny is in their corner. Technological Superiority, Divinity Inc or some other ego bound concept may work for you…..whatever realities you choose are completely fine with me…..unless they aren’t very interesting, then I am going to imagine something that works across various boundaries. Around a hundred years ago the Wright brothers achieved flight, most people in that era saw guys falling off buildings with feathers glued to them and thought “Weirdos”…..now hardly anyone thinks twice about having breakfast on one continent and supper on another.
No Thing Or Being Stands Apart From Your Indivisible
This is the concept of flight that many have yet to embrace today…..be on another continent, be on another plane of existence, in another universe, belittle time when it suits you. Basically just do whatever the fuck you feel like doing…..provided your nonsense is sustainable. Non-sustainable nonsense disguised as sensibility always feels better about itself after it comes out of the closet.
If one of us makes it we all make it. All of us make it or one of us makes it. I know there is a slight difference between these two sentences, but I like the second one a little better when I think as an individual…..if you think about it, Indivisibility is the ultimate safety in numbers strategy.
Let’s back up for a second and imagine you are a branch of science nicely entwined with business interests or you are a religion. You have well established territories and an elaborately crafted marketing message…..people think they need you. In the upper levels of your organization administrators busy themselves with maintaining the enterprise’s relevance or market share. Perhaps this stuff has been going on for a long time, strong organizations might have 2 or 3 billion followers…..
Our planet holds a little over 7 billion people…..
Congratulations, you aren’t quite half-assed…..this is why you can only represent Individually. To approach That Which Is Whole…..your Indivisible comes in handy. I understand those sensing a spiritual duality will likely see my Indivisible as a Do It Yourself Holy Spirit…..I don’t mind where you see divisions as long as these divisions can be seen as temporary. Whether you hold yourself apart from God or not…..we all relate to TWIW.
What rips you about Indivisibility is that you can no longer separate yourself from anyone or anything…..remember how Megalomania is a manic defense against separation anxiety? On the one hand it is great for the whole “everybody makes it” ethic. On the other, you own everything, no more blaming everybody else unless you can see the offenses within yourself. Individuals don’t do this, they keep their organization pitted against other organizations, members are usually assembled by fear…..”we must conquer or be conquered” is a regular war cry.
An Indivisible sees the problem and solution within themselves. Are the Chinese World polluting assholes? Yes…..and so am I.
Most of this stuff tumbled out of my head 25 years ago, I have been rolling it around since to see where it is flawed…..and it holds up pretty well. I have also taken it for a spin as an individual to test things out and I still haven’t figured out what kind of shit this has landed me in, but I kinda like not knowing…..for now. It has been an interesting quarter century.
Before the book Conversations With God came along I was rolling the 13 words around and imagining….. everything. Being unbound by reason allows a terrible freedom. I would not be diagnosed as Bipolar until into my mid thirties, but then in my early twenties I had some ratcheting thoughts making me less and less interested in “God” and more and more interested in the realization of the species and what steps could take us there. Thinking in terms of That Which Is Whole seemed a better fit for a mathematical and spiritual representation. 50 trillion cells in the human body – a universe within us and we are the blueprint for the universe beyond (or what we currently view as beyond us). When into the trillions, numbers begin to lose meaning….. TWIW – pronounced like a toddler says three is the space where alignment with all beings takes place…..
The problem with people who talk God is that a lot of them wouldn’t know God if she were licking their genitals…..I probably wouldn’t. Relax, in case you haven’t noticed I am not really into taking myself that seriously, my offensiveness will make perfect sense in a little while. Somewhere along the line everybody agreed God was “unknowable” and let’s face it…..this gives massive cover for “experts” conniving and greatly distances us from Knowing. When considering Conversations with God or any beliefs that emphasize one’s interior texture, my individual always thinks it is cool. My Indivisible just thinks landing on God is more straight forward when you release individual or Individual ideas of God and accept yourself as Indivisible from That Which Is Whole. From what I can tell, many experience it in some ways…..it just hasn’t spread decently through the species yet. (my Indivisible would like to pitch in a bit).
One thing to add here, it is my Indivisible or your Indivisible or her Indivisible or his Indivisible. Saying our Indivisible has a diluting effect and might eventually lead to Organized Indivisibility….. even I’m not this fucking stupid. Your individual and Indivisible are similar, as are various Individual and indivisible spheres of being. In a certain way we form That Which Is Whole, but the result can be quite a lot more than the sum of our parts. On the other hand I like to think of us as made in God’s imagination (not just image) and so there may be dimensions to us that were thrown in to make us better than our originator…..it is what many of us want for our children as they go out in to the world, that they have gifts and advantages we never had.
I am fine with a fluctuating power differential for Humans and God…..or an interesting dynamic within TWIW, maybe a little non-duality duality thing, but for now I don’t give a shit. This should get clearer as you develop your Indivisible, no division between you and Everything…..you know, use your judgement.
One last point, God is an ideal most people hold in their being or push away from themselves in different ways. That Which Is Whole is what you get when we collectively experience……. everything. I would like to say TWIW is the reality of, or the realization of God, but I have a feeling things will get kinda unreal at this point. I also am happy NOT knowing……when its time to know – lets…..just develop your Indivisible some.
One of the most difficult things to adjust to with the course I have taken is how my language has basically become convoluted…..I don’t make sense (in the regular sense) much of the time – it has taken some getting used to. Sounding weird and unrestrained by reason to people around me is an obstacle I have learned to get around with humor and mostly patience. Anyone can see my writing is pretty scruffy…..thanks to everyone who has been sticking it out, even right on through the bizarre. This pressure a lot of us experience for sensing everything beyond ourselves can be pretty intense…..I have had it kicking my ass most of my life. Here I am tugging back at it – gaining balance, not to ego up my individual, even though, let’s face it…..I am kind of a gifted asshole. My tug has to dovetail with millions / billions of tugs or I am just another divided being, I don’t like my odds on the one hand, but on the other hand I kind of think when a goof like me starts making some progress towards Indivisibility then anyone can handle the basics and before long it will be taken further than any of us can presently imagine.
So it is summer, 1988 and I am doing this swirl of consciousness as an individual and beginning to sense my Indivisible, basically I’m all over the place spiritually and I sort of think this is how it should be. I have grown up within the Individual of Christianity…..my Catholic is nowhere near good, I am basically drifting, but purposefully drifting.
I’m getting a massage one afternoon and my masseuse is telling me she is sure she was Judas Iscariot in a past life (I’m not kidding). She gives one hell of a massage and we decide we should go see The Last Temptation Of Christ that evening. When considering movies like Taxi Driver and Goodfellas, Ridicu always says he would like antipsychotics more if Big Pharma named one Scorsese.
I like the movie, it is juicier because my date is highly invested in it and when I walk her home I also get to talk her down. Our goodnight at her door is awkward, she assures me she is okay, so I leave her and don’t look back…..
A couple of Months later I tumble into three straight days of meditating with short breaks for nourishment and toilet visits. This guy Bruce, who taught me meditation strongly cautioned against prolonged meditations…..”this stuff can make you crazy if you do it too much” he also said, “if you are seeking your Guru just look in the mirror and spell G-U-R-U over and over.” A guy like me can really have a fucking field day with mixed messages…..what can I say? As the hours tick by we keep descending into darkness and things come for you in the darkness. Panic, pain and unbearable sorrow came drifting out of this well of evil I sensed beneath my consciousness and after a while enduring it seemed kinda fun. Ridicu decided to call all evil towards us…..I guess he figured if Willem Dafoe could do it so could we.
I prefer to hold spirituality lightly, without a religious context, but when I use stories to shape meaning the ones I reach for are usually Christian…..they are what I was raised with. I have little or no preference for various religions, I see their structures collapsing eventually, but much of their history will remain and be celebrated. I have come to think in terms of reliable and unreliable now, instead of good and evil and of course I see reliability in all beings…..when they aren’t off-balance and then unreliable.
The awareness I have around diminished mental health increasing the vibrancy and depth of these stories has a core that escapes me. “How the fuck should I know?” is the best answer I have sometimes. Rest, physical work, medications and humor allows me distance from spiritual stories where I can function better in the “real world”, but these stories, this sense that I am / was a part of many of them never leaves me. Sometimes I consider the “stories” and the grandiosity of it all a blanket comforting me against the chill of certain hollow realities, rather than the unfortunate departure from reality that some people around me observe. I don’t imagine myself standing on a milk crate at a street corner preaching to commuters, but I’ve stopped to listen to several of these guys over the years….. same kind of pressure. I have spent a great section of my life living off-balance…..I know unreliability rather well, spotting it in others is easy – mostly I try to keep my mouth shut
Carl Jung catalogued dreams on different continents for years, it seems we all share about two thousand common dream types. Psychology and Psychiatry are fields that interest me and I make use of their science as a patient. In my career as a Nurse I have seen numerous patients die and cared for countless others who have suddenly had some trauma or life altering event. People in crisis respond to a presence around them as well as the science and technology being used to treat them or their loved ones. Sensing mysticism (Howdy Myst) in my environment happens with some regularity for me. During these times of crisis and death, I encounter this ease among all the disease…..and the ease is the most uniform of the pressures I feel, it is a privilege to sense this. So while I can apply health technology / science to treat illness in a health care setting on the one hand, I don’t really see anyone as sick on the other hand…..we all balance disease and ease differently. Disease really seems to be more about the Universe we choose not to access when we confine ourselves to narrow realities.
Dream baby…..dream big.
When I was 13 and waking up in cold sweats regularly from all kinds of terrorizing dreams I just decided one morning to stop remembering my dreams. Since then I have recalled 10 or 12 dream fragments, usually weird shit that evaporates in the first minute or two of my wakefulness. I still dream when unconscious, but I focus more on dreams/imaginings in my conscious states…..logical thinking right through to delusions and everything in-between.
Following my 3 day meditation, on the 4th day, I start off at work like any other day, but start getting distractible in the afternoon, so I knock off work early. Looking back on it later It seems that this was my first manic break, except not really…..
I was overtaken by this rush of awareness that I was the Messiah and I could defeat evil….. WOW…..nobody saw this coming? At somewhere around 10pm I am pounding on the door of this Catholic Church in downtown Vancouver and this nice fella priest listens to my situation and then *SNAP* my manic / panic is totally shut off as he explains The Ascension of Christ and that he will be on the same escalator (now going down) when returning. Basically if I was the guy…..I would know I was the guy. I have never felt such relief for being out to lunch…..oh and I don’t have to take on evil – Christ already has it in a half-Nelson or something along these lines. I was so fucking happy I hardly heard the rest of what was said.
That my mania just about stopped on a dime made perfect sense at the time, now I look back and wonder. Years later, after diagnosis, these steady swings up and down have taught me that being very up or very down corrects out slowly…..usually taking days or weeks, maybe even months. I have always felt an instability through my life. Like any morning I may wake up a blind man, but in a different house and will struggle to orient myself to new surroundings and that these types of trials always await me. I have sorta become expert at being a goof in anticipation of lots of stumbling….. ridiculous anyone? This limber stance has thinning effects for the ego along the way, but mainly a fine appreciation for variability. Freedom from taking myself seriously, while presenting lofty ideas is a having cake while eating it too sort of situation I haven’t quite mastered, winging some of this shit will likely catch up with me.
It has occurred to me that I have a sabotaging tendency where I go looking for odd situations to insert myself into….. On the one hand I do, but on the other hand it’s like all kinds of wonderfully weird warped shit just likes to cozy up at my feet. It has gotten to where my weirdo can do normal at work, but otherwise finds regular thinking far too two dimensional. Sometimes I think it would be pretty nice to have smaller sphere motivations as my main focus and forget about the larger stuff……the preserve your sanity / serenity prayer platform makes a lot of sense. I’ve tried to bundle myself into a more serene existence…..it has always seemed kind of a cop out and before long something expansive and wonderful lands at my feet.
A few months after this episode I decided being part of the institution of health care might be good for me…..structure and all that, make a difference on a smaller, more manageable scale. I had been interested in Nursing since high school, but at the time I was headed in a different direction. Classic meditation stopped being a part of my life, now I just let thoughts drift slowly away from me as I went about my day while learning to be more present. When I finally entered Nursing school, I enjoyed the learning and found this steady pressure on the wards at times – this ease among the disease. The idea that I had extra spiritual awareness and special abilities where evil was concerned never left me, but it stayed tucked away through school and the first years of my marriage.
I had a few instances where I thought “what if I have invited evil unknowingly into my heart?” Over time I saw the silliness in what had happened as just another tumble on my journey, these little instances of worrying about evil were cute. When I read Conversations with God in the mid 1990’s I thought yes! God is within each of us! Einstein and now Conversations with God remained at my bedside, reading / re-reading and contemplating.
Life was very active during all of this, my wife and I had worked in the southern US for 5 years as RNs, we traveled, bought our first big live aboard sailboat and cruised the Bahamas for a few months. My interest in spirituality was basically healthy and I was pleased that a new spiritual awareness was taking shape, the new millennium approaching seemed full of promise.
In the late 90’s we moved to Seattle and I began having more depressive swings. The dissolution of my prior few years of optimism coincided with what looked like seasonal affective disorder which began wearing at my resolve to stay active and balance my spiritual and practical pursuits. Inactivity, depression, darker and darker thoughts…..playing out World War III repeatedly in my head. Imagining “setting” the world on a “proper” course. I knew I was becoming closed, I knew I was letting EVIL take me into the darkness, oh well, you win some, you lose some. After a while I began applying my Indivisible to the situation, this was going to be a shitty stretch…..I had to accept everything about TWIW and all of the turmoil / end of the world jazz was toxic, but I decided to own it. Taking responsibility for everything is a pain in the ass, especially when you have to start deep frying whole continents and torching solar systems to work out your issues. I would rocket out of depression into a gorgeous maniac ranting just South of Vancouver at the Peace Arch Border Crossing in my underwear a few months later.
The diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder came as a great relief…..I thought “excellent – I’m just atomic batshit crazy, for a while there I thought I might be the Anti-Christ.” I still stayed mostly depressed for the next 5 years. Finding the right medication cocktail and eventually getting off night shift work made a big difference for better mood management. The swings my moods make don’t always have a spiritual spice, sometimes I am just blah for a few weeks, sometimes I am all zesty into a project and over do things. It sucks when my disorder gets out of hand. I have always taken my medication even when the drugs or doses weren’t optimal…..getting things adjusted with a provider in a few weeks is far better than going off stuff. In my years as a Emergency Room Nurse I have found it pretty frustrating to be treating a cardiac patient in one room, a fracture patient next door, an abdominal pain case across the hall and then a psych patient off their Meds and hand-cuffed to a stretcher as well. Diabetic or hypertension patients off their medications can also be a pain in the ass, I don’t discriminate much for non-compliance…..I know other factors play a role and I am lucky to understand my factors better than most.
Am I at ease with my disease?
I’m working on it.
The problem with me is I don’t differentiate between managing my disease personally and sorting out the species while I’m at it, I know, I know, I know…..
Northern Ontario has a fuck of a lot to do with why I swear so much, growing up in different Northern communities taught me a lot about self reliance. Reliability was way easier when people looked out for each other by nature – a harsh environment – especially in winter created community…..
Newfoundland is this rugged province on the east coast of Canada, I haven’t visited it, but I became sorta fascinated by this split / half hour time zone thing they have going on. I remember watching TV and seeing scheduling for a hockey game as 8pm in Central Canada, 9pm in Atlantic Canada and then 9:30pm for Newfoundland. Almost everyone in Canada makes fun of Newfoundlanders…..Newfie jokes are common. What I found uncommon was that these guys decided to split a time zone (I have since learned that a few other places in the world do this) and that often when you meet a Newfoundlander this sense of community just wafts off them. I haven’t found any to be particularly stupid either, just very slow for making agreements – unless simple arrangements are being discussed….. they are sorta brilliantly detached from what a lot of people consider important.
One thing I struggled with for years is how to get humanity on the same page, then after a while it occurred to me that the page just needs to be blank – at least in the beginning. Most parents instinctively know that they need to check on a child / children when the house becomes quiet, especially if there were sounds of activity earlier. On a bad day a parent might find a toddler face down in a swimming pool when their instinct told them to go looking. Perhaps you discover your kid hanging from the cord controlling your blinds, the urgency sometimes doesn’t register and it takes a while to investigate. More often you discover the kids are about to trim the Irish Setter with garden shears or about to back your car out of your driveway. The point is you know when it is “too quiet” something is up and you have to figure it out…..this is knee-jerk reflex instinct that most people can completely relate to.
So how about everybody gets quiet for a few days a week? What entity would drop in to see what is going on or what awareness would crop out of humanity if we all took time together to demonstrate unity and patience for each other?
“A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive.”
When everyone goes quiet we stop experiencing ourselves separately – imagine this subtle roar of silence thrumming through each of us…..no separation…..That Which Is Whole anyone? This prison Einstein says we are in, if you listen for it very very quietly….. eventually “click”….. the latch to our prison door will release. Would we attract God to us or release God from our collective? I don’t really care, just as long as we can begin sensing the universe in a new way. I am sick of disease and sick of feeling confined as a species to a narrow slice of existence where so much of it is great but we only catch it once in a while because we haven’t fully opened ourselves yet.
It seems much more interesting to accept the failure of various ideologies and look beyond them not to something that could take over, but rather something to emerge out of all these misteps…..these incomplete perceptions. Will our species find a balance? I am encouraged by the fact that something like 90 % of us have the ridiculous carrot of prosperity pulled so convincingly from our grasp. Now if we could somehow skip the inevitable next big thing that everyone will grasp for and instead calmly wait until most of us “get it.” Maybe the next big thing is patience.
This stuff has been said before, I’m pretty sure. Back in the day I remember a bumper sticker that asked “What if the whole world farted at once?” Things would get very stinky indeed…..in the next decade or so most of Bangladesh’s coastline will be underwater and this will displace at least 100 million people. Nothing substantial is being done about it…..ready for stinky? On the one hand everyone can finally stop pissing and moaning about the Holocaust…..this should make World War II look like a day at the beach (just kidding Einstein). On the other hand why can’t this be someone else’s problem…..I say let the Vatican handle it, if Mother Teresa hadn’t slept her way to the top…..would there be all these Bangladeshi in the first place? (just kidding Mom).
Looking the other way has always been a relative luxury, but not this time…..100 million people? I won’t be surprised if we all just watch though, after a few weeks of TV coverage it will be back to regular programming. I live on the tip of the Florida peninsula…..I know I won’t be retiring here, but I suspect my move will happen before I require refugee status to go somewhere else. There are going to be millions of Bangladeshi falling through “cracks” in the glacial paced bureaucratic “we need an impact study” landscape. The thing worth understanding is when shit like this happens then how fucking unreliable has the structure of our species become? And how rotten are we at our core? Everyone gets that we are infected with self-interested corruption in many or all of our higher offices throughout the public and private sector. The question becomes are we going to be obedient little Germans while a fresh tribe of Nazi Elite allow practically an entire culture of our species to be swept into an ocean of refugee camps or otherwise. When this happens it should be crystal clear to everyone that the game has totally shifted from dog eat dog to Darwinism on steroids where we participate in genocides of convenience. Does evolving necessarily mean the demise for much of our species? Is our collective more like the Anti-Christ or Christ?
Everyone, everywhere will be as much to blame for this as the administrative puppets performing the show and those ruling them from behind the scenes. So what do you do?
Use the 13 words or an equivalent regularly. Be As Silent As Possible beginning this September, 2013 from Newfie Noon on Tuesday to Newfie Noon on Thursday (middle of the work week – oh well). To be clear I mean library quiet, not smother your baby quiet…..got a 911 call – text it maybe? Why these times and days? Because I said so, that’s why…..c’mon, throw my Megalomaniac a fucking bone here. Added bonus…..no talk shows, no cable news, no sportscasting……we may discover after a stretch that we can all do without a lot of this useless talk.
So we have the spiritual realization of our species on the one hand and massive humanitarian activism for those who aren’t so much into Divinity on the other…..have I left anyone out?
Yes, I almost forgot…..ASSHOLES. when you continue to blather away about shit when others are being silent or very quiet, please update everyone on how your renovations are coming – how many Bangladeshi refugees will you be able to house in your garage, spare bedroom or walk-in closet? Can we drop by this weekend and meet your new roomies? Don’t worry about standing out among all these silent people…..you don’t have to watch out for the quiet ones.
Opening yourself to That Which Is Whole can be less about spirit and more about solidarity among human beings if you like, maybe widening our circle of compassion only gets a 100 million of us out of prison…..who knows? Don’t get hung up that I seem hyper spiritual because on the other hand I am completely prepared to be wrong. It’s just that to figure things out I am gonna need EVERYONE to get quiet regularly for a good stretch…..if nothing happens I’ll declare myself an atheist, but at least I only conform to known reality after ruling out God in the most complete way I can imagine.
So here we are at the end of this Monster…..actually I still have a ways to blog – just not much further with this post. In this last section I have outlined:
PLAN A – 13, Quiet – Attract or Accept or Accomplish – A is for wherever your sensibility lies. This is where I find most of my “pressure” eases…..this is my Indivisible speaking to your Indivisibles – I am only in charge of speaking my truth. Incredible challenges await us this century, I am suggesting incredible (possibly ridiculous) measures. On the other hand I already know the realization of our species when I consider that time is only useful for measuring goals and goals are only handy when you see yourself separated from everything. Most of us can figure this out now, soon or later……it actually doesn’t matter.
PLAN C – Continuing the Cluster-Fuck which basically amounts to doing much the same things and expecting different results…..Einstein defined this as insanity. Wonderful things happen in parallel with the Cluster Fuck, some of the best fly in the face of convention. Another asshole with a 12 point plan is followed by another asshole with a 12 point plan and in some ways we all can’t help formulating these plans…….unless we leave some open ended. Maybe God, the Universe and many of us will stop laughing at plans that invite, rather than predict.
PLAN B – But in the MEAN TIME – this is basically the remainder of my opinion pieces from here forward, I don’t like our chances as a species without PLAN A…..since it may take a while I’ll outline smaller, but still pretty fucking grandiose ideas for the mean times to come. Feel free to chip in…..it would be cool if you mention Plan A before launching into your B plan (just kidding). A lot of refined writers don’t necessarily offer Plans when making observations. I think it has something to do with a Journalistic code where you don’t insert yourself into the story. I like intentionality…..commentary feels kinda removed to me, c’mon….. lay your ovaries / balls on the line once in a while. Your Indivisibility supersedes or overrides your Individual associations at times…..wanna come out and play?
In case a few of you are still wondering if I consider myself Jesus or the Anti-Christ or the Messiah or Hitler or a regular person or just a fucking crazy bastard? The answer to all of this is yes…..I Am, Like Everyone, An Individual Indivisible Presentation Of That Which Is Whole. What form TWIW takes is up to our collective…..maybe its time for a nap (hibernation for 20 or 30 billion years). Maybe we evolve, maybe we keep scraping by for now, while the “best” of our species positions itself to survive. Stick with your Individual spheres…..I just don’t find them very interesting.
I separate myself from no thing, from no being. I have an individual self (kind of an over thinking goof) an association within Individual – cultural, professional and gender identities. With my close family and some friends I have that indivisible protective instinct for their well being, I would die for many of them. At my Indivisible I am already kinda dead while still walking…..oh well. On the other hand my eccentricity has got me this far, let’s see if all my goofing around has kept me nimble enough to slip through some spots and delightfully defy ton of bricks dropping towards me at others. On the other, other hand I don’t really see where my Indivisible ends is the clearest way of summing up my never ending being 🙂
It would be nice to just hurry up and evolve. Knowing waits patiently, but I’m getting a little frisky.