Dual Purpose, Dual Personalities Sporting Duality With Motorcycle Therapy & Entertainment

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Cherohala Skyway

20120929-214839.jpg Haw Knob – just below the Mile High point on the Cherohala…..so misty on the morning we rode – the fog almost had us in the higher elevations. Just when we thought we were in the clear……yikes!

Howdy Myst,                (Edited Version Available 2020)

We woke earlier than usual…..doom was wrestling us out of bed. During our wake-up morning pee, “you know how running water can stimulate urination?” Yawning, “yeah.” “Well, our tinkling just made me think of 40 days of rain.” Flush…..”now that cha mention it I did notice this kinda Niagara echo wit da wiz (pretty lazy enunciation first thing). “Waddaya say we check outta the beehive a couple a days early…..ya know – hit da road before it hits us?”

Ridicu’s paranoia could be a pain in the ass at times, but this morning he was dialed in to a terrible, slimy, suffocating weasel…..just about to stuff itself down our throats, “Sure, let’s cut out today – time for a change of scenery anyway.” We had Kimmie Lou packed up in record time, she sensed our urgency, “you boys wanna tell Kimmie Lou what’s got you so spooked?” “A creep show aggressor is always sharpening knives just out of your peripheral vision…..we just got a peek at him.” Kimmie Lou wasn’t used to us strapping everything down so tightly – so roughly “is it that Albino Midget dude?” We started her up “Nah…..not Whitey, whoever it is will either be killing us by lunchtime or kicking back and taking it easy because they succeeded in moving us along.”

We had to stop in at Pop and Nana’s to say goodbye to the crew and hammer back one more Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast Extravaganza. “Angle will be sorry she missed you, she’s not in till the afternoon shift today.” “We got her email…..we’ll send her an update and a few pics from the road.” “Alrighty then, just take it extra easy out there today – that fog is pretty thick.”

The Cherohala Skyway runs West of Robbinsville and into Tellico Plains Tennessee, it is normally very scenic as the long sweeping curves round beautiful mountains. Near the mile high point we almost got strangled by the fog – Kimmie Lou’s new Rallye Windshield kit allowed us to duck down behind it and avoid the noose. At Haw Knob we stopped for another pee and met Camilla Copperhead, when she slithered over, our pee stream snapped off like an icicle, we were about to hop back over the stone wall when she said, “relax boys, finish your business – most snakes won’t bite old, fat, balding bikers.” “Really, why not! You know Ridicu’s thing with Death right? He was basically insulted that this snake wasn’t biting us.

Somehow our flow opened back up (involuntary nerves) and we almost showered Camilla. Anyone’s guess as to whether it was me pissing myself – that Ridicu was challenging the snake to bite us or it was Ridicu egging her on by pissing at her. Whatever was going on, she didn’t flinch – just slowly moved up the grass and coiled beside our right leg ” does your urine always sound so ominous?” “Not usually, no…..it’s been a bit of a gloomy morning.” Camilla blinked slowly (weird…..we thought snakes didn’t have eyelids) “got a peek at him huh?” “Yeah, but we’re sensing he’s happy we’re moving.” “Either that or you’ll be dead by lunchtime,” said Camilla snickering.

Kimmie Lou piped up “is that a snake I hear laughing back there?” “Yep, Camilla Copperhead meet Kimmie Lou Rawls/Reed” “Howdy miss” said Camilla. Just then we heard a Harley downshifting, it was coming out of the fog behind us. The Midnight Blue FLH descended off the curve and pulled up right beside Kimmie Lou. “Thought I’d catch you up here with your pants down,” said Angle as she pulled off her Midnight Blue Helmet. We zipped our fly as Angle and Camilla started yakking away in Parseltongue (you know – snake language, right out of Harry Potter). The thing about Aliens is, they share quite a bit of their DNA with Reptiles – kinda like Apes and Humans.

“Well it was nice meeting everyone, enjoy your afternoon” said Camilla as she slithered away. “Happy Trails Camilla” yelled Kimmie Lou (which drowned out our adios). “That snake wouldn’t bite us for some reason.” Angle chuckled, “you old, fat, balding bikers taste right in between rancid beef jerky and chain lube…..We only eat guys like you whenever we lose a bet, otherwise it’s better to vaporize you. “YOU’RE NOT HURTING RIDICURYDER” growled Kimmie Lou. “Easy there sister,”Angle patted Kimmie Lou’s tank a few times, “I’m not here to hurt anybody.”

We climbed aboard Kimmie Lou and she settled down some. Our leg was almost touching Angle’s – she had parked that close “How do you like my Harley?” “Looks pretty spiffy…..hey what is it about you – you’re different from other Aliens?” Angle’s demeanor softened “I’m half Human.” That beaming smile again, her voice was gentler…..smoother. “I’m half Human too!” declared Kimmie Lou. Angle’s laugh was melodious, she laid her hand on Kimmie Lou’s tank. We sat stunned for a stretch…..a Half Human Alien? “So you’re Spock?” Angle laughed some more “except my name is easily pronounceable.”

She started up her Harley, “you never asked me which world I was betting on.” We could barely hear over the Harley’s warble…..and there it was again, almost undetectable – that thrum. “909?” We guessed. “Nope, this one right here – 702.” Then she reached out and patted our shoulder, her hand drifted down to caress Kimmie Lou’s tank, “See ya!” We waved and Kimmie Lou came up on her forks as Angle roared off the pullout and back towards Robbinsville. We looked down at the trip odometer – 10 7/8.

About five miles before Tellico Plains we hang a left towards Bald River Falls, it is a gorgeous ride South for around 6 miles snaking along the Tellico River.

20121001-084653.jpg Kimmie Lou, ” Tennessee sure is pretty, but the Devils triangle makes sort of a squiggle through this state.”

“Are Aliens Indivisibles too?” asks Kimmie Lou. “Yeah, everyone is an indivisible….remember.”

I Am, Like EVERYONE, An Individual Indivisible Presentation Of That Which Is Whole.

Kimmie Lou says, “I think I am starting to get it…..That Which Is Whole, Individuals and Indivisibles – Thirds right?” We climb back on Kimmie Lou, “more or less – yeah, but proportions aren’t as important as balance.” “Individuals and Indivisibles in good balance encounter That Which Is Whole in a good way…..poorly balanced Individuals and Indivisibles encounter That Which Is Whole in a bad way.” “Oh,” said Kimmie Lou, “so this world…..not very well balanced huh?” We start back towards the Cherohala, “so far people are about a million times more likely to advance their individual or distinct group…..most are not even aware that they and everyone else are Indivisible from That Which Is Whole.” “A lot of folks will begin to understand their Indivisibility soon though.” “In a bad way?” asked Kimmie Lou. “bad enough…..the tricky part is – what is just the right amount of bad to get everyone interested in balancing for good.”


Trail of Tears (Partial Ride Reconstruction)

20120923-195858.jpg Snowbird Road and Long Creek Road – GPS fix N35.18.638 and 083.48.824 (about 1.5 miles west of Pop and Nana’s). Kimmie Lou, “every time I see you guys messing with the GPS to guess at fuel or do coordinates it makes me think of Star Trek…..you are Trekkies right?”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

If someone was to put a gun to our head and made us choose a religion we would absolutely be Trekkies. Only we would have to COMBINIAC some RastaTrekkian. “Basically Aliens don’t tolerate Humans charging off into space with the usual imperialistic vibe.” “You pretty much just have to let space envelop you and then be amusing or interesting so the Aliens take a pass at killing you.” “So let me get this straight,” says Kimmie Lou, “you get shitfaced and wind up getting the Enterprise stuck in some asteroid field, then along come some Tow Truck Aliens and you are all buddies after they pull you out?” “Yeah,….that could work.”

Our nose stuck out of the Beehive this morning and sensed Scattered Showers and Doom so we thought it best to leave the Tail of the Dragon ride for another day. The Fried Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast was another fabulous starter at Pop and Nana’s. Angle was still off – working on her Harley but everyone assured us she would be back tomorrow. “Great, it would be wonderful to see her.” When you refer to Aliens always use words like wonderful, lovely, inspiring, touching so that when it gets back to them, (and it will) you’ll have the right sentiment going.

Riding up Long Creek Road gets you onto gravel after a ways and the fun kicks in almost at once. These back roads are a blast, Kimmie Lou roars along like a Albino Midget at a Paintball Shoot (we have a thing for Albinos – we know). The switchbacks, climbs, dips and sweepers are amazing, the views are inspiring (wink wink).

20120923-211035.jpg Kimmie Lou sniffles some “I’m 1/8 Cherokee on my Papa’s side.”

I told you we’ve been parking Kimmie Lou too close to the Hospital Administration building – lookit – she’s developing a Borderline Personality Disorder! I mean, Jeez – how many Native American tribes can one motorcycle have in her – she says she’s 1/8 Seminole in Florida, we tell her we’re from Ontario, then suddenly she’s 1/8 Cree and another eighth Ojibway. Her crying suddenly stops, “I have 17 7/8 lineages you Morons!” We throw our hands up and stomp back down to the road, “c’mon we have talked about you using telepathy on us!” “I could tell you were talking about me okay!” We all decide to just go ahead and let Kimmie Lou read our minds…..she is going to anyway. Ridicu and I will honor the old arrangement where our thoughts remain our own unless we share them.

At SWAT miles we reach another fork in the road….of course we are going left, we just stop for a picture and a slug of Platypus Piss.

20120924-041142.jpg At Tatham Gap you must choose Right or Left…..we went Left of course, but if you are in a hurry go Right – it is the road that leads you over the mountain to Andrews.

The road left takes us further up the mountain to a gate, then leads up to some radio towers (possibly an Alien signal station). We are looking at the posts and trying to decide how to get around them when a Black 1969 Cadillac Coupe De Ville glides down and gently hovercrafts right over the gate and stops in front of us. Two exit the front doors, “Howdy boys, I’m Mistress Luscious Lasagna and this here’s my man, Mountain Tactical.” We kickstand Kimmie Lou and shake hands. Mistress Luscious Lasagna looks about halfway between a younger Melanie Griffith and Kristen Dunst, Mountain Tactical could pass for Chaz Palminteri’s kid “we’re Shiners…..would you like to sample our product?” “Sure, but just a tad – we still have some riding to do.” Adventure dictates that when Moonshiners park in front of you with a vintage Cadillac sporting a Crimson Red Silk Hovercraft Skirt and offer you some Moonshine….you go ahead and try it (RidicuRyder otherwise does not condone mixing booze and motorcycling).

There is no back seat in the Caddy, crates of Mason jars are stacked all the way into the trunk – it looks like around 100 gallons of White Lightning. A jar gets cracked and we all take a sip of the South’s Smoothest Shine. “Which way r ya headed?” asks Mountain Tactical. “Down into Andrews.” We aren’t sure it’s the Moonshine but Mistress Luscious Lasagna sounds on fire when she asks, “ever done it before?” “It’s just like slalom skiing – you boys are Canadian right?” says Mountain Tactical. After some further discussion it is decided that it might be best if Mountain Tactical rides Kimmie Lou down on the first run and Mistress Luscious Lasagna drive us down in the Caddy to follow, let our head clear a bit before we try the next run ourselves.

The road down to Andrews is a Slalom course and Mountain Tactical expertly carves Kimmie Lou down the slope. We are barely able to watch the course since Mistress Luscious Lasagna began telling us their tale. Sometimes you meet someone and they just spill everything that has been bottled up inside of them for too long. Mountain Tactical was one of four in vitro babies born in Andrews and Mistress Luscious Lasagna was one of three IVF babies born in Chattanooga. They met a few years ago in a chat room and found they had a lot in common. Over time they finally met and divulged a similar contempt for their siblings – something they had never admitted to anyone.

Soon they were networking with other grown IVFs and their terrible bond was formed. We were intrigued and somewhat horrified to hear of this Assassination Exchange Club were a couple of IVFs from another region would drop in and murder the siblings of a Network member who would have a prearranged rock solid alibi during the hits. Mistress Luscious Lasagna and Mountain Tactical had been to Rochester, New York and Boulder, Colorado for kills, she didn’t think she would be able to do it a third time. “I love my man and want to stand by him, but he has become too Maniacal about running the organization – it has become his life.”

We discussed how certain Physicians, Business Executives and Soccer Moms seemed inclined to Maniacally give themselves over to their organizations on the way back up the mountain….we promised to help in some way. We also admitted our preoccupation with the end times and how it all seemed to be affecting Kimmie Lou the worst, “she’s become rather obsessed with somehow saving the world…..poor kid.” Mistress Luscious Lasagna completely understood, “I wanted to save the world too when I was younger, now I think it would be better for it all to end.”

Back at Tatham Gap, we took Kimmie Lou back from Mountain Tactical “that guy is kind of aggressive, don’t let him ride me again okay.” “Just us now Kimmie Lou, say….did you remember where those moguls are at?” “No worries mates, I’ll have you down in a jif!” It cracks us up when Kimmie Lou whips out her Australian accent. The ride down did feel a lot like slalom skiing – we were glad Mountain Tactical had done the ascent with Kimmie Lou, we might have struggled (if any of you do it from Andrews just keep the throttle on….slowing down is dicey).

When we got down to the bottom we got talked into one more shot of Shine for the road, they must have spiked it with something because the last thing we remember was Mistress Luscious Lasagna wheeling the Caddy around (back on whitewall tires) with us slumped in the front seat. We came to on the steps of a Baptist Church back towards Robbinsville, Kimmie Lou was parked under a billboard across the parking lot.

20120924-114303.jpg Ridicu was stirring before me….he remembers Mistress Luscious Lasagna whispering something to Kimmie Lou as Mountain Tactical humped us onto the church steps.

The taste in our mouth is somewhere between Fettuccine Alfredo and Rocket Fuel, “Kimmie Lou, what was that talk I heard about the Devil’s Triangle?” “Our instructions are to ride the Devil’s Triangle then cast off the Devil.” We walk (somewhat unsteadily) to where Kimmie Lou is parked – her trip odometer reads 11 7/8. “The Devil’s Triangle will be a pretty wet ride”… “Not the one in the Ocean….the land based one.” Ridicu and I briefly cross eyes then say “never heard of it.” “Kimmie Lou shrugs her handlebars, “I can figure it out but we’ll have to do another 6,666 miles” “WHAT!” She gives a little chuckle, “just kidding – it will be more like 8,000 miles.” We slowly digest this, eventually, “so it will be another month or two on the road…..how are you going to tell HW?” “That will be the tricky part.”

On the ride back to Robbinsville Kimmie Lou asks “can you please just layout the simple framework for me….you know the one without all these layers of maniacs?” We consider it for around a 1/2 mile, “okay Kimmie Lou, we can lay it on you when we ride the Dragon.” A little more Doom creeps into our bones….what if the Machines organize and challenge the Aliens at the end of the world? “I won’t tell any other Machines without clearing it with you guys first.” A Machine with well developed Telepathy and the Basic Blueprint for Everything……it certainly will make for interesting End Times.