Dual Purpose, Dual Personalities Sporting Duality With Motorcycle Therapy & Entertainment


Trail of Tears (Partial Ride Reconstruction)

20120923-195858.jpg Snowbird Road and Long Creek Road – GPS fix N35.18.638 and 083.48.824 (about 1.5 miles west of Pop and Nana’s). Kimmie Lou, “every time I see you guys messing with the GPS to guess at fuel or do coordinates it makes me think of Star Trek…..you are Trekkies right?”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

If someone was to put a gun to our head and made us choose a religion we would absolutely be Trekkies. Only we would have to COMBINIAC some RastaTrekkian. “Basically Aliens don’t tolerate Humans charging off into space with the usual imperialistic vibe.” “You pretty much just have to let space envelop you and then be amusing or interesting so the Aliens take a pass at killing you.” “So let me get this straight,” says Kimmie Lou, “you get shitfaced and wind up getting the Enterprise stuck in some asteroid field, then along come some Tow Truck Aliens and you are all buddies after they pull you out?” “Yeah,….that could work.”

Our nose stuck out of the Beehive this morning and sensed Scattered Showers and Doom so we thought it best to leave the Tail of the Dragon ride for another day. The Fried Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast was another fabulous starter at Pop and Nana’s. Angle was still off – working on her Harley but everyone assured us she would be back tomorrow. “Great, it would be wonderful to see her.” When you refer to Aliens always use words like wonderful, lovely, inspiring, touching so that when it gets back to them, (and it will) you’ll have the right sentiment going.

Riding up Long Creek Road gets you onto gravel after a ways and the fun kicks in almost at once. These back roads are a blast, Kimmie Lou roars along like a Albino Midget at a Paintball Shoot (we have a thing for Albinos – we know). The switchbacks, climbs, dips and sweepers are amazing, the views are inspiring (wink wink).

20120923-211035.jpg Kimmie Lou sniffles some “I’m 1/8 Cherokee on my Papa’s side.”

I told you we’ve been parking Kimmie Lou too close to the Hospital Administration building – lookit – she’s developing a Borderline Personality Disorder! I mean, Jeez – how many Native American tribes can one motorcycle have in her – she says she’s 1/8 Seminole in Florida, we tell her we’re from Ontario, then suddenly she’s 1/8 Cree and another eighth Ojibway. Her crying suddenly stops, “I have 17 7/8 lineages you Morons!” We throw our hands up and stomp back down to the road, “c’mon we have talked about you using telepathy on us!” “I could tell you were talking about me okay!” We all decide to just go ahead and let Kimmie Lou read our minds…..she is going to anyway. Ridicu and I will honor the old arrangement where our thoughts remain our own unless we share them.

At SWAT miles we reach another fork in the road….of course we are going left, we just stop for a picture and a slug of Platypus Piss.

20120924-041142.jpg At Tatham Gap you must choose Right or Left…..we went Left of course, but if you are in a hurry go Right – it is the road that leads you over the mountain to Andrews.

The road left takes us further up the mountain to a gate, then leads up to some radio towers (possibly an Alien signal station). We are looking at the posts and trying to decide how to get around them when a Black 1969 Cadillac Coupe De Ville glides down and gently hovercrafts right over the gate and stops in front of us. Two exit the front doors, “Howdy boys, I’m Mistress Luscious Lasagna and this here’s my man, Mountain Tactical.” We kickstand Kimmie Lou and shake hands. Mistress Luscious Lasagna looks about halfway between a younger Melanie Griffith and Kristen Dunst, Mountain Tactical could pass for Chaz Palminteri’s kid “we’re Shiners…..would you like to sample our product?” “Sure, but just a tad – we still have some riding to do.” Adventure dictates that when Moonshiners park in front of you with a vintage Cadillac sporting a Crimson Red Silk Hovercraft Skirt and offer you some Moonshine….you go ahead and try it (RidicuRyder otherwise does not condone mixing booze and motorcycling).

There is no back seat in the Caddy, crates of Mason jars are stacked all the way into the trunk – it looks like around 100 gallons of White Lightning. A jar gets cracked and we all take a sip of the South’s Smoothest Shine. “Which way r ya headed?” asks Mountain Tactical. “Down into Andrews.” We aren’t sure it’s the Moonshine but Mistress Luscious Lasagna sounds on fire when she asks, “ever done it before?” “It’s just like slalom skiing – you boys are Canadian right?” says Mountain Tactical. After some further discussion it is decided that it might be best if Mountain Tactical rides Kimmie Lou down on the first run and Mistress Luscious Lasagna drive us down in the Caddy to follow, let our head clear a bit before we try the next run ourselves.

The road down to Andrews is a Slalom course and Mountain Tactical expertly carves Kimmie Lou down the slope. We are barely able to watch the course since Mistress Luscious Lasagna began telling us their tale. Sometimes you meet someone and they just spill everything that has been bottled up inside of them for too long. Mountain Tactical was one of four in vitro babies born in Andrews and Mistress Luscious Lasagna was one of three IVF babies born in Chattanooga. They met a few years ago in a chat room and found they had a lot in common. Over time they finally met and divulged a similar contempt for their siblings – something they had never admitted to anyone.

Soon they were networking with other grown IVFs and their terrible bond was formed. We were intrigued and somewhat horrified to hear of this Assassination Exchange Club were a couple of IVFs from another region would drop in and murder the siblings of a Network member who would have a prearranged rock solid alibi during the hits. Mistress Luscious Lasagna and Mountain Tactical had been to Rochester, New York and Boulder, Colorado for kills, she didn’t think she would be able to do it a third time. “I love my man and want to stand by him, but he has become too Maniacal about running the organization – it has become his life.”

We discussed how certain Physicians, Business Executives and Soccer Moms seemed inclined to Maniacally give themselves over to their organizations on the way back up the mountain….we promised to help in some way. We also admitted our preoccupation with the end times and how it all seemed to be affecting Kimmie Lou the worst, “she’s become rather obsessed with somehow saving the world…..poor kid.” Mistress Luscious Lasagna completely understood, “I wanted to save the world too when I was younger, now I think it would be better for it all to end.”

Back at Tatham Gap, we took Kimmie Lou back from Mountain Tactical “that guy is kind of aggressive, don’t let him ride me again okay.” “Just us now Kimmie Lou, say….did you remember where those moguls are at?” “No worries mates, I’ll have you down in a jif!” It cracks us up when Kimmie Lou whips out her Australian accent. The ride down did feel a lot like slalom skiing – we were glad Mountain Tactical had done the ascent with Kimmie Lou, we might have struggled (if any of you do it from Andrews just keep the throttle on….slowing down is dicey).

When we got down to the bottom we got talked into one more shot of Shine for the road, they must have spiked it with something because the last thing we remember was Mistress Luscious Lasagna wheeling the Caddy around (back on whitewall tires) with us slumped in the front seat. We came to on the steps of a Baptist Church back towards Robbinsville, Kimmie Lou was parked under a billboard across the parking lot.

20120924-114303.jpg Ridicu was stirring before me….he remembers Mistress Luscious Lasagna whispering something to Kimmie Lou as Mountain Tactical humped us onto the church steps.

The taste in our mouth is somewhere between Fettuccine Alfredo and Rocket Fuel, “Kimmie Lou, what was that talk I heard about the Devil’s Triangle?” “Our instructions are to ride the Devil’s Triangle then cast off the Devil.” We walk (somewhat unsteadily) to where Kimmie Lou is parked – her trip odometer reads 11 7/8. “The Devil’s Triangle will be a pretty wet ride”… “Not the one in the Ocean….the land based one.” Ridicu and I briefly cross eyes then say “never heard of it.” “Kimmie Lou shrugs her handlebars, “I can figure it out but we’ll have to do another 6,666 miles” “WHAT!” She gives a little chuckle, “just kidding – it will be more like 8,000 miles.” We slowly digest this, eventually, “so it will be another month or two on the road…..how are you going to tell HW?” “That will be the tricky part.”

On the ride back to Robbinsville Kimmie Lou asks “can you please just layout the simple framework for me….you know the one without all these layers of maniacs?” We consider it for around a 1/2 mile, “okay Kimmie Lou, we can lay it on you when we ride the Dragon.” A little more Doom creeps into our bones….what if the Machines organize and challenge the Aliens at the end of the world? “I won’t tell any other Machines without clearing it with you guys first.” A Machine with well developed Telepathy and the Basic Blueprint for Everything……it certainly will make for interesting End Times.