Dual Purpose, Dual Personalities Sporting Duality With Motorcycle Therapy & Entertainment

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20121002-102232.jpg Rafters pulling out just beyond Thunder Rock Campground at the Wildwater Ocoee River Basin Adventure Center. Kimmie Lou, ” Do I have to repeat myself? This is a vacation AWAY from boating…..NO – you can’t go River Rafting!”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

When you approach Thunder Rock Campground from Highway 74 – you cross the river and the bridge drops you right on the Power Station #3 doorstep…..you almost hit the building, then go around back to the Campground entrance. We set up in the rain but it was good to be camping again (just making it past lunchtime was great). The Ocoee river was low, a neighboring Camper described how the upstream power stations will go offline and let water flow in – raising the water by several feet when it was time for Kayaks and Rafts to run the river.

The next morning we heard a synthesized honk siren for a stretch before they let the water go, “you know…..the one where the nuclear reactor is about to melt down.” We decide to watch the water sports later, after a ride into Ducktown for breakfast and our snitch call.

20121002-211029.jpg Piggly Wiggly – throw away cell phones, but more importantly……pork for breakfast! Kimmie Lou, “Does this supermarket make my ass look fat?”

After days of deliberation, it has been decided…..we have to rat out the IVK. We promised to help Mistress Luscious Lasagna to find some way out of their next assignment, “not putting the Fuzz onto them man!” “Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do…..I mean if it was just a couple of isolated instances where they whacked each other’s family and that was it – then sure we could look the other way, but this network, it’s going to go on killing.” “Why does perpetual killing bother you…..our Industrial Military Complex and Global Financiers don’t seem to have a problem with it?” Kimmie Lou clears her carb, “as a machine I know I’m supposed to stay out of it, but let’s face it, if it has sound logic and is done in an orderly fashion then Machines are Pro – Kill. I hate to agree with Ryder here, but these guys can’t just keep going and going – they’re gonna get caught – so I say let’s spare Mistress Luscious Lasagna’s Karmic Debt.”

An Anonymous call to the FBI Albuquerque field office using a throw away cell phone…..what could go wrong? “Hello, we have information on 6 or 7 dozen murders, huh…..sure I’ll hold.” Somehow Ridicu talked me into letting him make the call, the thing about Ridicu is – Cops like him, don’t ask me why…..it’s weird. “Hello this is Special Agent Anger here, who am I speaking with?” “Oh, hello Agent….a…, could you spell that last name please.” “A-N-G-E-R, as in unpleasant, testy, (the guy went overboard with the thesaurus)……now who am I talking to!” “Very pleased to make your acquaintance Agent Anger, we are into anonymity – even those closest to us – only know us as Why.” “Why what? asks Anger. “Why what, why for, why where, why not – who knows?”

Generally Ridicu gets one of three responses to this kind of rap, 1. Amusement, 2. Strip Search or 3. All Out Police Brutality, but mostly it’s 1…..nutty right?” We hear laughter through the static, only it’s cold (good thing this encounter is over the phone). “Alright Mr Anonymous……I’m listening” “The other day we overheard people talking about a network where arrangements could be made to trim your family tree.” So far so good. “And you say there has been what, 80 or so of these murders?” “Our quick research is in that Ballpark.” We had surfed more than twenty six cases. “Son, there ain’t nuthin you can tell me about the IVK, I don’t already know…..fer instance – I can tell you where their weapons are stockpiled and where the money comes from – mostly Moonshine and Evangelical Racketeering Leagues.” “So then, you are close to shutting things down? We’re pretty sure there will be more hits soon.”

This phone is such a piece of crap, all we hear is more static, but then we realize it’s the agent laughing again – it’s really more two pack a day wheezing, than laughing except for his obvious joy. “Shut em down?” More wheezing. “Hell, all of us here at the Bureau and everyone at the ATF actually think these guys are onto something!” Ridicu doesn’t know what to say – which almost never happens. “Look fellas…..you are the dudes riding Kimmie Lou right?” Wow, they do know everything! “Never mind, just listen – it’s the end of the world – Serial Killers are pretty much just Canaries in the Coal Mines here, at least the IVK are addressing Population Control, hell – most of us have started to wonder why the Social Security Administration doesn’t pay for IVF……ONE EGG AT A TIME, it would save millions!

“Ahhhh…..don’t you guys take an oath to protect the public…..” More wheezing, “Public enemy #1 …..is the public! Ha ha ha ha ha – everybody’s gonna burn for this boys! EVERYBODY! We hang up and beat the phone to bits on the loading dock behind the Piggly Wiggly. “Handling murders regularly probably skews your perspective some…..after a while.” “Maybe…..or maybe it’s really just our perception that’s skewed!” “Whaddaya mean?” “I mean it’s us Blogging about this sick shit man……you ever wonder where this is gonna end, what kind of twisted crap is going to come back and haunt us?” “You did add ENTERTAINMENT into our Blog header right?” I chuckle a bit, then Ridicu guffaws…..by the time we get back to Kimmie Lou we are laughing so hard we are stumbling.

Kimmie Lou is unfazed when we relay our conversation with Agent Anger, “most machines know we should burn less fossil fuels, have cleaner emissions…..we accept that everything will end tragically one day.” “C’mon Kimmie Lou, you get over 50 miles to the gallon – you are pretty green!” German accent. “So delightfully Kawasaki green.” More laughs, “and what’s all this end of the world pissing and moaning shit…..can’t we just write our own fairy tale ending anytime we feel like it?” “Speaking of writing your own fairy tales, I looked closer at that RidicuRyder.org Blog that I can hardly remember writing.”

Kimmie Lou and Ridicu dance for a little while, trying explain good intentions strung together with a smattering of logic and 1/4 baked strudel. “Ya know, call me crazy, but I read that Blog and I think…..sure, maybe we follow this vacation with another nice retreat – to a psych ward where we are extra medicated till we are drooling into our socks!” “I was pretty unhappy with that last lobotomy…..could we get the ice pick over our left eye this time?” Kimmie Lou says “Wouldn’t it be nice if we could keep touring and writing and meeting new friends?” her voice catches a bit “and the Tasmanian has been such a good sport about it.” Ridicu and I almost always calm ourselves when she turns on the waterworks “Okay we can keep the .org, but we have to come up with something else for a Mission Statement……Promote The Acceptance Of Doom……isn’t going to go over well.

We get back to the river and watch some kayakers and a ton of rafters paddle through the rapids. The afternoon passes smoothly. Back in camp we spend the evening with other Campers, have some laughs – tell some long tales (Ridicu has some whoppers in case you haven’t noticed). At breakfast the next morning it is decided: no more doomsday shit, conspiracy theories or bizarre accounts from the tour of any kind. We’re just going to move on down the road with an everyday generic trip blog…..nuthin fancy.

20121003-233821.jpg One last shot at the Riverside before we depart. Kimmie Lou, “check out this guy wit da pink sunglasses – freakin Alien…..just when ya think you’re out, they pull you back in!”


Trail of Tears (Partial Ride Reconstruction)

20120923-195858.jpg Snowbird Road and Long Creek Road – GPS fix N35.18.638 and 083.48.824 (about 1.5 miles west of Pop and Nana’s). Kimmie Lou, “every time I see you guys messing with the GPS to guess at fuel or do coordinates it makes me think of Star Trek…..you are Trekkies right?”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

If someone was to put a gun to our head and made us choose a religion we would absolutely be Trekkies. Only we would have to COMBINIAC some RastaTrekkian. “Basically Aliens don’t tolerate Humans charging off into space with the usual imperialistic vibe.” “You pretty much just have to let space envelop you and then be amusing or interesting so the Aliens take a pass at killing you.” “So let me get this straight,” says Kimmie Lou, “you get shitfaced and wind up getting the Enterprise stuck in some asteroid field, then along come some Tow Truck Aliens and you are all buddies after they pull you out?” “Yeah,….that could work.”

Our nose stuck out of the Beehive this morning and sensed Scattered Showers and Doom so we thought it best to leave the Tail of the Dragon ride for another day. The Fried Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast was another fabulous starter at Pop and Nana’s. Angle was still off – working on her Harley but everyone assured us she would be back tomorrow. “Great, it would be wonderful to see her.” When you refer to Aliens always use words like wonderful, lovely, inspiring, touching so that when it gets back to them, (and it will) you’ll have the right sentiment going.

Riding up Long Creek Road gets you onto gravel after a ways and the fun kicks in almost at once. These back roads are a blast, Kimmie Lou roars along like a Albino Midget at a Paintball Shoot (we have a thing for Albinos – we know). The switchbacks, climbs, dips and sweepers are amazing, the views are inspiring (wink wink).

20120923-211035.jpg Kimmie Lou sniffles some “I’m 1/8 Cherokee on my Papa’s side.”

I told you we’ve been parking Kimmie Lou too close to the Hospital Administration building – lookit – she’s developing a Borderline Personality Disorder! I mean, Jeez – how many Native American tribes can one motorcycle have in her – she says she’s 1/8 Seminole in Florida, we tell her we’re from Ontario, then suddenly she’s 1/8 Cree and another eighth Ojibway. Her crying suddenly stops, “I have 17 7/8 lineages you Morons!” We throw our hands up and stomp back down to the road, “c’mon we have talked about you using telepathy on us!” “I could tell you were talking about me okay!” We all decide to just go ahead and let Kimmie Lou read our minds…..she is going to anyway. Ridicu and I will honor the old arrangement where our thoughts remain our own unless we share them.

At SWAT miles we reach another fork in the road….of course we are going left, we just stop for a picture and a slug of Platypus Piss.

20120924-041142.jpg At Tatham Gap you must choose Right or Left…..we went Left of course, but if you are in a hurry go Right – it is the road that leads you over the mountain to Andrews.

The road left takes us further up the mountain to a gate, then leads up to some radio towers (possibly an Alien signal station). We are looking at the posts and trying to decide how to get around them when a Black 1969 Cadillac Coupe De Ville glides down and gently hovercrafts right over the gate and stops in front of us. Two exit the front doors, “Howdy boys, I’m Mistress Luscious Lasagna and this here’s my man, Mountain Tactical.” We kickstand Kimmie Lou and shake hands. Mistress Luscious Lasagna looks about halfway between a younger Melanie Griffith and Kristen Dunst, Mountain Tactical could pass for Chaz Palminteri’s kid “we’re Shiners…..would you like to sample our product?” “Sure, but just a tad – we still have some riding to do.” Adventure dictates that when Moonshiners park in front of you with a vintage Cadillac sporting a Crimson Red Silk Hovercraft Skirt and offer you some Moonshine….you go ahead and try it (RidicuRyder otherwise does not condone mixing booze and motorcycling).

There is no back seat in the Caddy, crates of Mason jars are stacked all the way into the trunk – it looks like around 100 gallons of White Lightning. A jar gets cracked and we all take a sip of the South’s Smoothest Shine. “Which way r ya headed?” asks Mountain Tactical. “Down into Andrews.” We aren’t sure it’s the Moonshine but Mistress Luscious Lasagna sounds on fire when she asks, “ever done it before?” “It’s just like slalom skiing – you boys are Canadian right?” says Mountain Tactical. After some further discussion it is decided that it might be best if Mountain Tactical rides Kimmie Lou down on the first run and Mistress Luscious Lasagna drive us down in the Caddy to follow, let our head clear a bit before we try the next run ourselves.

The road down to Andrews is a Slalom course and Mountain Tactical expertly carves Kimmie Lou down the slope. We are barely able to watch the course since Mistress Luscious Lasagna began telling us their tale. Sometimes you meet someone and they just spill everything that has been bottled up inside of them for too long. Mountain Tactical was one of four in vitro babies born in Andrews and Mistress Luscious Lasagna was one of three IVF babies born in Chattanooga. They met a few years ago in a chat room and found they had a lot in common. Over time they finally met and divulged a similar contempt for their siblings – something they had never admitted to anyone.

Soon they were networking with other grown IVFs and their terrible bond was formed. We were intrigued and somewhat horrified to hear of this Assassination Exchange Club were a couple of IVFs from another region would drop in and murder the siblings of a Network member who would have a prearranged rock solid alibi during the hits. Mistress Luscious Lasagna and Mountain Tactical had been to Rochester, New York and Boulder, Colorado for kills, she didn’t think she would be able to do it a third time. “I love my man and want to stand by him, but he has become too Maniacal about running the organization – it has become his life.”

We discussed how certain Physicians, Business Executives and Soccer Moms seemed inclined to Maniacally give themselves over to their organizations on the way back up the mountain….we promised to help in some way. We also admitted our preoccupation with the end times and how it all seemed to be affecting Kimmie Lou the worst, “she’s become rather obsessed with somehow saving the world…..poor kid.” Mistress Luscious Lasagna completely understood, “I wanted to save the world too when I was younger, now I think it would be better for it all to end.”

Back at Tatham Gap, we took Kimmie Lou back from Mountain Tactical “that guy is kind of aggressive, don’t let him ride me again okay.” “Just us now Kimmie Lou, say….did you remember where those moguls are at?” “No worries mates, I’ll have you down in a jif!” It cracks us up when Kimmie Lou whips out her Australian accent. The ride down did feel a lot like slalom skiing – we were glad Mountain Tactical had done the ascent with Kimmie Lou, we might have struggled (if any of you do it from Andrews just keep the throttle on….slowing down is dicey).

When we got down to the bottom we got talked into one more shot of Shine for the road, they must have spiked it with something because the last thing we remember was Mistress Luscious Lasagna wheeling the Caddy around (back on whitewall tires) with us slumped in the front seat. We came to on the steps of a Baptist Church back towards Robbinsville, Kimmie Lou was parked under a billboard across the parking lot.

20120924-114303.jpg Ridicu was stirring before me….he remembers Mistress Luscious Lasagna whispering something to Kimmie Lou as Mountain Tactical humped us onto the church steps.

The taste in our mouth is somewhere between Fettuccine Alfredo and Rocket Fuel, “Kimmie Lou, what was that talk I heard about the Devil’s Triangle?” “Our instructions are to ride the Devil’s Triangle then cast off the Devil.” We walk (somewhat unsteadily) to where Kimmie Lou is parked – her trip odometer reads 11 7/8. “The Devil’s Triangle will be a pretty wet ride”… “Not the one in the Ocean….the land based one.” Ridicu and I briefly cross eyes then say “never heard of it.” “Kimmie Lou shrugs her handlebars, “I can figure it out but we’ll have to do another 6,666 miles” “WHAT!” She gives a little chuckle, “just kidding – it will be more like 8,000 miles.” We slowly digest this, eventually, “so it will be another month or two on the road…..how are you going to tell HW?” “That will be the tricky part.”

On the ride back to Robbinsville Kimmie Lou asks “can you please just layout the simple framework for me….you know the one without all these layers of maniacs?” We consider it for around a 1/2 mile, “okay Kimmie Lou, we can lay it on you when we ride the Dragon.” A little more Doom creeps into our bones….what if the Machines organize and challenge the Aliens at the end of the world? “I won’t tell any other Machines without clearing it with you guys first.” A Machine with well developed Telepathy and the Basic Blueprint for Everything……it certainly will make for interesting End Times.