Dual Purpose, Dual Personalities Sporting Duality With Motorcycle Therapy & Entertainment


Trail of Tears (Partial Ride Reconstruction)

20120923-195858.jpg Snowbird Road and Long Creek Road – GPS fix N35.18.638 and 083.48.824 (about 1.5 miles west of Pop and Nana’s). Kimmie Lou, “every time I see you guys messing with the GPS to guess at fuel or do coordinates it makes me think of Star Trek…..you are Trekkies right?”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

If someone was to put a gun to our head and made us choose a religion we would absolutely be Trekkies. Only we would have to COMBINIAC some RastaTrekkian. “Basically Aliens don’t tolerate Humans charging off into space with the usual imperialistic vibe.” “You pretty much just have to let space envelop you and then be amusing or interesting so the Aliens take a pass at killing you.” “So let me get this straight,” says Kimmie Lou, “you get shitfaced and wind up getting the Enterprise stuck in some asteroid field, then along come some Tow Truck Aliens and you are all buddies after they pull you out?” “Yeah,….that could work.”

Our nose stuck out of the Beehive this morning and sensed Scattered Showers and Doom so we thought it best to leave the Tail of the Dragon ride for another day. The Fried Baloney, Egg and Tomato on Texas Toast was another fabulous starter at Pop and Nana’s. Angle was still off – working on her Harley but everyone assured us she would be back tomorrow. “Great, it would be wonderful to see her.” When you refer to Aliens always use words like wonderful, lovely, inspiring, touching so that when it gets back to them, (and it will) you’ll have the right sentiment going.

Riding up Long Creek Road gets you onto gravel after a ways and the fun kicks in almost at once. These back roads are a blast, Kimmie Lou roars along like a Albino Midget at a Paintball Shoot (we have a thing for Albinos – we know). The switchbacks, climbs, dips and sweepers are amazing, the views are inspiring (wink wink).

20120923-211035.jpg Kimmie Lou sniffles some “I’m 1/8 Cherokee on my Papa’s side.”

I told you we’ve been parking Kimmie Lou too close to the Hospital Administration building – lookit – she’s developing a Borderline Personality Disorder! I mean, Jeez – how many Native American tribes can one motorcycle have in her – she says she’s 1/8 Seminole in Florida, we tell her we’re from Ontario, then suddenly she’s 1/8 Cree and another eighth Ojibway. Her crying suddenly stops, “I have 17 7/8 lineages you Morons!” We throw our hands up and stomp back down to the road, “c’mon we have talked about you using telepathy on us!” “I could tell you were talking about me okay!” We all decide to just go ahead and let Kimmie Lou read our minds…..she is going to anyway. Ridicu and I will honor the old arrangement where our thoughts remain our own unless we share them.

At SWAT miles we reach another fork in the road….of course we are going left, we just stop for a picture and a slug of Platypus Piss.

20120924-041142.jpg At Tatham Gap you must choose Right or Left…..we went Left of course, but if you are in a hurry go Right – it is the road that leads you over the mountain to Andrews.

The road left takes us further up the mountain to a gate, then leads up to some radio towers (possibly an Alien signal station). We are looking at the posts and trying to decide how to get around them when a Black 1969 Cadillac Coupe De Ville glides down and gently hovercrafts right over the gate and stops in front of us. Two exit the front doors, “Howdy boys, I’m Mistress Luscious Lasagna and this here’s my man, Mountain Tactical.” We kickstand Kimmie Lou and shake hands. Mistress Luscious Lasagna looks about halfway between a younger Melanie Griffith and Kristen Dunst, Mountain Tactical could pass for Chaz Palminteri’s kid “we’re Shiners…..would you like to sample our product?” “Sure, but just a tad – we still have some riding to do.” Adventure dictates that when Moonshiners park in front of you with a vintage Cadillac sporting a Crimson Red Silk Hovercraft Skirt and offer you some Moonshine….you go ahead and try it (RidicuRyder otherwise does not condone mixing booze and motorcycling).

There is no back seat in the Caddy, crates of Mason jars are stacked all the way into the trunk – it looks like around 100 gallons of White Lightning. A jar gets cracked and we all take a sip of the South’s Smoothest Shine. “Which way r ya headed?” asks Mountain Tactical. “Down into Andrews.” We aren’t sure it’s the Moonshine but Mistress Luscious Lasagna sounds on fire when she asks, “ever done it before?” “It’s just like slalom skiing – you boys are Canadian right?” says Mountain Tactical. After some further discussion it is decided that it might be best if Mountain Tactical rides Kimmie Lou down on the first run and Mistress Luscious Lasagna drive us down in the Caddy to follow, let our head clear a bit before we try the next run ourselves.

The road down to Andrews is a Slalom course and Mountain Tactical expertly carves Kimmie Lou down the slope. We are barely able to watch the course since Mistress Luscious Lasagna began telling us their tale. Sometimes you meet someone and they just spill everything that has been bottled up inside of them for too long. Mountain Tactical was one of four in vitro babies born in Andrews and Mistress Luscious Lasagna was one of three IVF babies born in Chattanooga. They met a few years ago in a chat room and found they had a lot in common. Over time they finally met and divulged a similar contempt for their siblings – something they had never admitted to anyone.

Soon they were networking with other grown IVFs and their terrible bond was formed. We were intrigued and somewhat horrified to hear of this Assassination Exchange Club were a couple of IVFs from another region would drop in and murder the siblings of a Network member who would have a prearranged rock solid alibi during the hits. Mistress Luscious Lasagna and Mountain Tactical had been to Rochester, New York and Boulder, Colorado for kills, she didn’t think she would be able to do it a third time. “I love my man and want to stand by him, but he has become too Maniacal about running the organization – it has become his life.”

We discussed how certain Physicians, Business Executives and Soccer Moms seemed inclined to Maniacally give themselves over to their organizations on the way back up the mountain….we promised to help in some way. We also admitted our preoccupation with the end times and how it all seemed to be affecting Kimmie Lou the worst, “she’s become rather obsessed with somehow saving the world…..poor kid.” Mistress Luscious Lasagna completely understood, “I wanted to save the world too when I was younger, now I think it would be better for it all to end.”

Back at Tatham Gap, we took Kimmie Lou back from Mountain Tactical “that guy is kind of aggressive, don’t let him ride me again okay.” “Just us now Kimmie Lou, say….did you remember where those moguls are at?” “No worries mates, I’ll have you down in a jif!” It cracks us up when Kimmie Lou whips out her Australian accent. The ride down did feel a lot like slalom skiing – we were glad Mountain Tactical had done the ascent with Kimmie Lou, we might have struggled (if any of you do it from Andrews just keep the throttle on….slowing down is dicey).

When we got down to the bottom we got talked into one more shot of Shine for the road, they must have spiked it with something because the last thing we remember was Mistress Luscious Lasagna wheeling the Caddy around (back on whitewall tires) with us slumped in the front seat. We came to on the steps of a Baptist Church back towards Robbinsville, Kimmie Lou was parked under a billboard across the parking lot.

20120924-114303.jpg Ridicu was stirring before me….he remembers Mistress Luscious Lasagna whispering something to Kimmie Lou as Mountain Tactical humped us onto the church steps.

The taste in our mouth is somewhere between Fettuccine Alfredo and Rocket Fuel, “Kimmie Lou, what was that talk I heard about the Devil’s Triangle?” “Our instructions are to ride the Devil’s Triangle then cast off the Devil.” We walk (somewhat unsteadily) to where Kimmie Lou is parked – her trip odometer reads 11 7/8. “The Devil’s Triangle will be a pretty wet ride”… “Not the one in the Ocean….the land based one.” Ridicu and I briefly cross eyes then say “never heard of it.” “Kimmie Lou shrugs her handlebars, “I can figure it out but we’ll have to do another 6,666 miles” “WHAT!” She gives a little chuckle, “just kidding – it will be more like 8,000 miles.” We slowly digest this, eventually, “so it will be another month or two on the road…..how are you going to tell HW?” “That will be the tricky part.”

On the ride back to Robbinsville Kimmie Lou asks “can you please just layout the simple framework for me….you know the one without all these layers of maniacs?” We consider it for around a 1/2 mile, “okay Kimmie Lou, we can lay it on you when we ride the Dragon.” A little more Doom creeps into our bones….what if the Machines organize and challenge the Aliens at the end of the world? “I won’t tell any other Machines without clearing it with you guys first.” A Machine with well developed Telepathy and the Basic Blueprint for Everything……it certainly will make for interesting End Times.

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They Know (Ride Report: Forestry Road 81)

20120923-132753.jpg Kimmie Lou, “I need to get a few things straight before we start back into gravel roads again.” Santeetla Gap forms the junction for Hwy 143, Joyce Kilmer Road and the Cherohala Skyway – Forestry Road 81 is 25 feet along Joyce Kilmer (just behind signs)…..you barely finish your right turn onto Joyce Kilmer and then you make a left down a brief paved stretch onto Forest Service Road 81.

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

We settled into the Beehive nicely….maybe it was too nice. Our last minute cancellation rate was scarcely more than camping rates and it turned out this place was lakefront with a hot tub and a paddle boat for guests. “They know…..this is too good to be true!” “I think everyone here is just very nice – Southern Hospitable, Earnest Workerbeesiacs, so far I have not detected another Alien presence besides Angle.” “Yeah, but you know they’re around right? Maybe not at the Cafe or here at the Beehive but somewhere nearby.” Ridicu was right, they never worked alone – always in pairs or teams of some sort.

Breakfast back at Pop and Nana’s cinched it for us. “Oh, Angle will be sorry she missed you – she told us you called her the Dance Bandit.” “Well, things do get a little wobbly around here when she does that twist.” This very nice lady at the counter looked perplexed then replied, “She sure can tear up the dance floor at Harrah’s!” We all chatted for a while, it was Angle’s day off and she was also known for being quite the Angler. “She unofficially caught the largest catfish ever around here, outta Fontana Lake. She didn’t tell nobody at first cause when she cut it open,out popped a Midnight Blue FLH with its Rider, license plate and serial #s digested clean off…..she’s just about got it restored – you’ll be seeing her riding around town any day now.” Typical, Aliens almost always ride Harleys. We also never told her we named the last Blog “Dance Bandit”…..we are about a month behind on the Blog so one of her crew must of time jumped recently. It is no coincidence that everybody is “hearing” about our handle for her……she wants us to know that they know and more importantly, that they are watching us.

So far the trips most spectacular breakfast: Fried Baloney, Egg & Tomato Sandwich on Texas Toast – on par with any Baloney Sandwiches we grew up with in Northern Ontario (note to self – look into importation regulations for Texas Toast into Northern Ontario). One odd thing is that we have washed our hands at least ten times since we got to town and just can’t seem to move Wanda’s toolshed dirt out from under our fingernails….it’s starting to get a little embarrassing – how grubby we must look.

Outside we snap a few shots of Kimmie Lou and discuss the various rides available to us in the area – we know it as The Lair of the Dragon because just a little North on highway 129 you encounter the Tail of the Dragon. Eventually we discover that folks refer to their neck of the woods as the Lair of the Dragon from places as far away as Charleston or Nashville……that’s how cool this road is and we soon discover that most of it’s surrounding rides are pretty awesome as well. We have lingered a while this morning and our plan is to ride the Dragon early and hopefully miss the usual surge of midday traffic. Today seems perfect for another dirt road, we will return to then Beehive and organize a light bag, Kimmie Lou is all sporty and frisky without our usual load of gear. “Take me off the pavement boys!”

We swap gear and ride out Snowbird Road (same area for doing the Trail of Tears)….basically you just head West from Pop and Nana’s past Robbinsville’s Courthouse and you are on Snowbird and it is a great ride out to Santeetlah gap – lots of twists and variations (sound familiar?). Another photo at Santeetlah Gap and Kimmie Lou decides we need to update her some more. “I understand that they know that we know, but why aren’t they doing anything like zapping us with a death ray or something.” “Aliens can kill you anytime – it is no more a task for them than turning a doorknob……the only reason they keep people around is if they find them interesting.” “And you Morons are interesting?” “Well sort of….and when you go back far enough we have all dated the same chicks.” “Some of the same guys too, hey Ridicu can you remind me to pick up a nail brush when we are back in town – this dirt under our fingernails is starting to drive me crazy!”

Kimmie Lou is trying hard not to laugh, small burps of compression squirt out her exhaust and then finally she settles down. “That isn’t dirt…..Wanda tattooed black strips under everyone of your fingernails.” “WHAT!” We both cry, “awe crap, the Hospital Handwashing Police are just gonna love this.” “She said maybe you should think about a career change.” “Do you think she knows we just dated a Nurse for a while and then laser copied her credentials when she was out one afternoon?” “Probably, I told you we shoulda went to Nursing School, forging credentials always comes back to bite ya in the end.”

Ride Report: Forest Service Road 81, Robbinsville, North Carolina

20120923-170004.jpg Santeetlah Creek Campsites – free in National Forests. Kimmie Lou, “we should have camped out here – well, maybe next time.”

Forest Service Road 81 is a hoot and very well maintained, we suspect something like clay in the soil keeps the road bed well compacted – the bends and switchbacks are a little overgrown but the edges have been (recently) well graded. SWAT (Some Where Around Ten) miles in we are faced with a choice. The road forks…..it really is never a choice Ridicu always decides to go left and I have learned it is just easier to agree with him (Always bring a flashlight, matches etc and top up on fuel before you go riding into the bush with Ridicu). By the cooler temperature we know we are getting higher. Our left turn takes us up and to a locked gate, Ridicu takes Bugs Bunny’s cautionary words “I knew I shoulda taken that Left turn at Albequeque” very seriously.

On the way back down to the fork we discuss continuing on (the road will keep climbing until you go under the Cherohala Skyway). We have some extra gear to wear for the cooler ride out, (especially if we jump on the skyway) but we elect to go back the way we came…..this way we will have SWAT miles of gravel rather than just a couple more – then blacktop (and it is pretty cold). The scenery was fantastic on the way in and we see more stuff coming back.

This is RidicuRyder’s first ride report…..hope you liked it, it felt a little too factual to us, but we suppose this is how they are done (only better by most other Moto – Journal Types).


The Pier

20120725-211602.jpgKimmie Lou (slipped out of her skid plate) “Basically, I’m into guys, but if I ever went automotive,….Veronica and Victoria Vette right here in Largo.”

Howdy Myst,                 (Edited Version Available 2020)

Weeks of cooler creekside camping are the plan……just as soon as we make it to Tennessee. We have stayed over a couple of extra days in the St Pete’s area for several reasons. Kimmie Lou wasn’t herself – idling rough – stalling ……typical gulf shores alcohol poisoning, stay out of the sun, stay better hydrated and only short fun rides for the next few days was the prescription from the guys at St Pete Powersports. “Take her down to the pier for some nice salt air” suggested Sailor/Biker Jeff , but don’t let her belly up to Johnny Reno’s bar” cautioned Matt, “yeah – keep her air filter dried out for awhile” pleaded Dave & Troy.

“It kinda freaks me out how nice people are here” says Ridicu as we are riding east towards Tampa Bay. “Get used to it, we’ll be hanging out with all kinds of Authentic Southern Hospitable types for around a month or so” I say. “Far out” we are getting close to downtown and we start curving around mirror lake, we both see opportunity after opportunity to straighten off to a regular street but we just keep going round and round. “You know, this little lake isn’t the waterfront.” “yeah” I say, “I’m going to veer off up here and keep going east…..and you know what else?” “What?” “There is italic wording when you speak and I have regular type so at this point we can drop” – Ridicu says or I reply. “So less typing?” “Definately!” “Awesome!” “Wow, check this cool place out for ice cream.” “WE RIDE TO THE PIER, IF THERE IS ICE CREAM THERE, YOU MORONS CAN HAVE SOME” shouts Kimmie Lou, so we keep going “first fresh salt air for our girl.” Kimmie Lou’s a little greener with all the laps around the Lake and the hangover probably doesn’t help, “right, to the Pier then.”


20120725-220831.jpg ssSeila ssScoota (chicks with lisps are the cutest) “Fowget ice scweam, it’s bike night, howa bout a gwoopa sssamich an a Cowona?”

We wander around the Pier, a few bikes start parking around the promenade, a band is setting up in front of Johnny Reno’s. We decide this looks good, “let’s get Kimmie Lou parked over with these sport rockettes.” The walk back along the North side of the Pier’s causeway turns into a run when we realize Sheila is all by herself ! When she sees the look on our faces she laughs and says “it’s okay, Kimmie Lou’s ova thewre chattin up Mawgawita. Somehow Kimmie Lou has got across the curbed causeway and does seem engaged with a very large Margarita.

20120726-194646.jpg “I just love your color! – a little more salt on your rim and I would just drink you right down!” Margarita laughs that Exotic German Insect laugh, “ah Frauline you are so delightfully green…….so Kawasaki Green !”

Kimmie Lou has always had a thing for ragtops and we chat for a little while, Margarita hangs out in Tennessee sometimes. “You must do ze Tail of ze Dragon,” Margarita burbles – “it’s exhilarating!” After wrapping things up with Margarita and Sheila we are out to the water’s edge. Kimmie Lou settles in with some sport bikes who are a little snotty at first then liven up when she starts to talk Tail of the Dragon.

20120726-213416.jpg ” A gazillion curves, varied elevations, reducing radius turns……..yeah, yeah – probably very therapeutic in a crap your pants kinda way!

“We did put Kimmie Lou’s disc lock on back there right?” The Corona is cold, the Grouper is blackened but something just isn’t right. “Yeah, I’m thinking that Sheila Scooter was pretty shifty.” Another swallow of grouper sandwich, “and…eh..what about the Pelicans?” “They’re watching us.” We casually look around the restaurant, nobody is looking at us so we probably have not been moving our lips but from where we are sitting at the bar we can make eye contact with at least 5 Pelicans sitting around the edge of the pier. “Is Kimmie Lou in on it?” my gut wrenches at the thought. “Nah, she’s got a little extra freak on right now, but nothing shady.” We pay the check and decide to get back to the ranch.

Riding back out of Downtown St Petersberg, Kimmie Lou says “hey let’s get a picture at the lake, it’s where it all began.” “What began?” we both say. “The slip” she says, didn’t you feel it?” Now that she mentions it we can sense that something did change on our circles and more circles of this calm Mirror lake.



Erie place – feels like some energy exists,” Yeah, there’s this thrum.” We look around to see if some transformer is buzzing nearby, nothing seems amiss. “Let’s just watch things for a day or two and we’ll decide on Saturday – agreed?” Everyone agrees, “let’s put a few hundred miles between us and this place.”

“Kimmie Lou, what about the disc lock?” “The Pelican….the really grey older one flew off with it.” “Is it starting again….like the other times?” Kimmie Lou chuckles that won’t start without the choke chuckle, “BTSOM.” Our eyes cross briefly – Ridicu and I glance at each other, another chuckle…..” Beats The Split Outta Me.”