Corbin Kentucky, where it all began……those secret 11 herbs and spices perfected by Colonel Saunders really should be enjoyed on the open road. Mount a bucket behind your windshield and enjoy that Original Recipe Chicken on your next Kentucky ride.
Howdy Myst, (Edited Version Available 2020)
In any worlds, along all the universes, around whatever cosmos you find yourself in, it is always a good omen to encounter The Freckled Lizardu. Every creature has a twin, (or at least a cousin with a strong family resemblance) but not the Lizardu – she has no equal, yet she is every woman at the same time. We have only met the Lizardu a handful of times…….she is never surprised to see us. The Freckled Lizardu comes along to strum the planet’s feminine vibe every few dozen rounds, whenever the species gets close to evolving…….Lizardu drops by. She can either produce a few variable notes (when she is lightly freckled) or clash against the life rhythm that happens to be playing at last call (when she is heavily freckled). We find each melody interesting, whatever stirs feminine juice livens up the species. The Lizardu injects but doesn’t dominate, the ripple she produces through the planet’s females may wither or resonate…….the women decide – ultimately it is up to women to evolve the species, sometimes they are not in the mood.
We enter the original Saunders cafe and head straight for the museum displays, we hardly glance the counter staff working the modern store to our left. The museum seems sparse at first, but then, after reading about Harland Saunders we see why……… simple man, simple plan. Many might now argue that the Father of Fast Food Franchising should not be heralded as a Revolutionary Hero in modern cuisine. Whether you see Colonel Saunders as a Pioneer or the Nutritional Anti-Christ we here at RidicuRyder regard him as necessary. Would cardiac research have come as far as it has without Mon Colonel? We doubt the trend towards organic, sustainable farming would be as relevant in a world without quadruple winged, two headed, steroid fed mutant chicks or your three, four and five hundred pound nieces and nephews. Can we emerge as a species without first wallowing in materialism and decadence? Controversy aside……..holy shit, this is good chicken!
It takes 10 or 12 seconds for us to notice the Lovely Latina working the counter we are in line for. Lizardu has that striking level lipped, angular jawed look that kills us, right behind lisps, lazy eyes and small breasts…….the reason level lips don’t make our top three is the effort required for full smiles can sometimes remind us of Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. Level lipped women are fabulous when they grin, smile demurely or laugh…….just watch those huge smiles (kinda creepy……..sorry, but somebody had to tell you!). Level lips happen across the races, but for some reason Lizardu is always of Latin origin. Freckles kill us too, they can throw our whole ranking system out the window.
Somehow Lizardu never sounds Latina, we have encountered her with British, French, Swedish, Indian, Thai and New Zealand accents so far, there is nobody in line behind us and with a gorgeous Kentucky twang, she says “Howdy boys, I’ll be back with your bucket in a lick.” “No wonder the animals have been steering us here…….what “girl power” message do you suppose she’ll spin around this time?” “Dunno, but I’m starting to wonder if this round really does have potential, I thought for sure it was a notch.” “What is a notch?” asks Kimmie Lou (she has begun keeping tabs on us and jumping into our conversations even when we are indoors lately). “Sometimes everyone hangs back and lets a world collapse on its own……the species doesn’t always need a horrible ending imposed on them by some perceived external force.” Kimmie Lou has begun seeing how things can have two or more meanings, “so even though no one is really an “external” force affecting humanity as TWIW demonstrates, humans sometimes need to be left to strangle themselves in order to recognize that they really can destroy everything all on their own.” “Bingo, if you think about it – every collapsing world is a notch, some are just more visibly ripped apart from the outside than the inside.”
Lizardu brings our Bucket from the back. “Eleven secret herbs and spices?” She half smiles “yeah and a couple of other variables.” There still aren’t any new customers behind us, “what’s the idea this time?” “I’m thinking of recycling the old stop screwing assholes shtick, ” she is also putting together a three piece meal with mashed potatoes and coleslaw onto a tray for us. “the bucket is for the road.” Lizardu always starts off discussing women leveraging their sexuality for the common good, but Kimmie Lou has no idea that this is the regular primer for Lizardu’s discussion.“Everyone agrees that humanity would evolve in a couple of months if women stopped having sex with assholes, it’s just……..what about the Sluts?” Lizardu’s lips protrude slightly, “we start by not doing anymore lawyers, but eventually Sluts will ignore the program. Then we round up a few Sluts for public stoning……..not too many, just enough to send a message. The lawyers will be less inclined to prosecute anyone for crimes against Sluts because their prospects for sex are drying up. So when we expand the ban on sex with assholes in general, there will hardly be any Sluts crossing the picket line.”
We are Mmmmmming as if this seems like a good idea when Kimmie Lou interrupts, “have you considered just asking the Sluts nicely?” Lizardu smiles pretty wide – upper gums and all, but it’s not too creepy, “I have been hearing about your Kimmie Lou for a while now……..she is a different kind of machine!” Kimmie Lou carries on, “Sluts are basically just women who have little or no preconditions for having sex with guys, maybe if you asked them nicely to insert this teensy weeny little condition – that men behave in a way consistent with TWIW – before they will sleep with them..” “I’ll think about it Kimmie Lou” interrupts Lizardu, “but that would mean all kinds of women would be lining up for sex with our Balding, Fat Friends here……..unrealistic don’t you think? ”
All this talk of sex is making us hungry, we cross over to the dining room to tuck into the three piece meal when it registers……..women lining up to have sex with us? We head back to the counter like we forgot something – still no other customers for miles. Kimmie Lou has been considering things for a minute, “initially millions of women will want some RidicuRyder, (we suddenly feel exhausted) but eventually most guys will adapt to TWIW lifestyles and the imbalance will subside. Lizardu shakes her head in disbelief, “so…….no Slut killing?” Kimmie Lou chuckles, “well I don’t see anything wrong with SOME Slut killing, but let’s exterminate reasonably equal numbers of female and male Sluts – just to keep things balanced. Our chicken is 17 7/8 feet away and is calling to us seductively…….we resist because it seems important we contribute to the conversation, “recognizing yourself as part of TWIW means you pretty well love everybody – sharing your bed, aside from physical satisfaction, would be less about sexual politics and more about affectionately engaging the opposite sex as companions ” (we don’t see same sex players evolving at the same time heterosexuals do, they’ll probably wait things out…..then swoop in with a flourish later and want to take over).
Kimmie Lou pounces “so you mean you guys would set aside your ranking system…….no more preferences for women with lisps, with lazy eyes or small breasts?” We are back at our table, sitting – looking down at the golden thigh, breast and drumstick, “we could love with more variations than we currently have Kimmie Lou, maybe we could even handle a skinny chick now and then.” “And what about girls who show too much upper gum when they smile, would you guys take us out for a spin once in a while?” added Lizardu. “Of course, we’d be delighted to entertain all variations of women…….provided it’s okay wit da wife.” Lizardu laughs, then laughs some more as we demolish the thigh, “so you guys got married? Right when we are on the verge of evolution – you had to go and get hitched?” “They thought this was a notch” explains Kimmie Lou……now laughing with Lizardu. The drumstick is gone, along with our coleslaw and mashed potatoes while the girls continue cackling – “munch munch munch munch” we start laughing too, snorting out a little coleslaw onto the breast just before biting in.
The Colonel started Movember…….he developed the Original Recipe. Kimmie Lou “go ask Lizardu for rubber bands so you can wrap the clutch and left grip with napkins, if you’re gonna Snarffle Saunders while riding you will have to keep your greasy paws offa me.”
Luckily, Lizardu has packed our bucket with Drumsticks only, eating with only our left hand under the Tasmanian is fairly straightforward……..ironically they last us all afternoon until we are passing alongside the KFC Yum Stadium in Louisville. While traversing Kentucky we contemplate our future in a world where humanity acts together, “unlikely as it sounds it would be pretty funny if sex were put on hold till evolution happens.” “Yeah, but what if women are already running the world – ya know, quietly……behind da scenes?” asks Kimmie Lou. The bones are vibrating in the bottom of the bucket, we are heading West on I 64 along the Ohio river. The horizon has flattened out in the distance, these great plains that await us……..have always been waiting.
Before we reach Indiana a seatbelt safety sign catches our attention, we have been seeing them all afternoon. They are so simple, so straightforward.
“I think we petition the Kentucky Legislature for Mandatory KFC Consumption while traversing the state by Automobile, Motorcycle or Horse…….of course, it would have to be original recipe.” “That’s fucking brilliant Ridicu, it has been such a pleasant ride – anyone crossing this great state ought to do it authentically.” Kimmie Lou speaks a little louder, “hey guys, I don’t think you heard me back there, what if women already are running the world, ya know – just letting men think they are?” We look down, the bones continue to rattle hypnotically in the bottom of the bucket. “And it wouldn’t be difficult to enforce……..all they would have to do is paint a nice little brown Drumstick at the left hand of the seatbelt Dummy.”